Less is more, and more is more

a recent impromptu picnic on a hike, a time that I remember feeling happy and not stressed!

Things have been incredibly busy around here.  Crazy-busy.  The kind of busy that makes me want to shout, "Stop! I want to get off this ride!"  Our family has been humming along, but I  (we) have felt the effects of too much.  Too much activity, too much stress, too much...of everything.

For the children, I've cut all activities except school (ha!) and swimming.  This swimming session ends in a few weeks, and I'm going to cut swim lessons to 1 time per week.  The children enjoy being active but I can tell that they are tired.  Bode is now 6, and I worry about how life is going to speed up for him, once he hits "real" elementary school. I want to keep things simple for him, for Gianna, and for Nico, for as long as I can.

For me, I am tired of feeling tired.  My most common feeling, and my constant lament, is "I'm so tired."  I'm tired of being such a drag, and feeling like I'm...dragging.  I have yet to make a doctor's appointment for a check-up, but I will soon. I think things are catching up with me, again.  It's difficult to move and go through the motions of moving.  I think I go through the motions because I "have to" and then as a result, 6 months or so later, I crash and the effects of everything hit me. I'm finally starting to feel like we "live" here, and starting to imagine what that means for all of us, and what I want our life to "be" here.  I am also carrying my mother around, dragging her death behind me.  After my mom died, I went to a therapist, carrying baby Nico into the office with me each week. I didn't think I could continue seeing her, the therapist, because of everything else that was going on.  I remember telling her that I had too much going on, both physically and mentally.  I'll never forget her words: "You need to deal with this now, or it's going to come out later, in other ways."  I shrugged it off at the time.  But what she said was so true.  It keeps happening: anger, sadness, etc. Yesterday I was laughing my head off with RWF about something, and an image of my mother's memorial popped into my head, and I started crying uncontrollably.  "Why are you crying?" RWF asked, surprised at my abrupt swing. And I had to tell him that I thought of my mom (I didn't share the image).  Did he understand? Probably not.  I'm not being authentic, not to myself and not to anyone in my family.  I need to deal. Grief is the worst.

  

We (RWF and I) have been under a great deal of stress about our living situation (i.e., the house).  We have been struggling to find a house for our family.  I've been unhappy where we are at, but it might just be the place to stay. This subject's a bore, so I won't go into the details. It's something that we need to resolve.  There are other, more personal stressors involved, too.

That is one, and other, reasons I have not been updating the blog. It is the same (boring) issues and stressors.  Thankfully, the children are doing great, and growing like crazy in all kinds of ways. I need to get back to recording their personalities and funnies.  As far as the 52 project...I have been taking pictures weekly, but I have not been uploading them here. I cringe at the idea of trying to back-date all the photos in order. 

We are making some changes around here.  Hopefully, with the subtraction of some things, and the addition of some other things, life will be a bit more manageable. I hope to be back to recording our lives soon.

Happy weekend to you.
xo

Happy 2nd Birthday, Nico!

Photos by Blue Lily Photography. Thank you, Wendy!

Dear Nico,

Happy Birthday to you!

You are such a joy.

We love you so much!

xo

George Rogers Park

I guess I got embarrassed, writing about how lazy I've been and how we have not done much of anything this summer.  Realizing that we only have about 3 weeks of summer left, I guess I felt like kicking it into gear. 

Last Friday, we went to a new park to us, George Rogers Park.  I had heard of this park, because there was a "grand opening" and a lot of press written up about it a couple of months ago.  But I had no idea it was so close to us! It is right in our town, maybe 7 minutes away from our house. It's a park that's been on my (mental) list of things to take the children to, but I've never felt like seeking it out. 

I'm so glad that we went to this park.  It is brand-new, and has a lot of things for all of the children to play on and enjoy.

Sometimes, a park isn't geared for a range of ages, so someone (usually the baby) has nothing fun to do except watch his siblings run around having fun.  But this park had bucket swings (a huge plus):

and a slide that Nico thought was the perfect size for him, the little scamp (but I was not happy or comfortable with...so he went down it twice, solo, and then I took him elsewhere):

and a huge sand pit, which, euuuw (thanks, Dawn, for the edification so many years ago!), but they all enjoyed it:

and for the big ones, there were swings, climbing structures and fun things like this seesaw:

I didn't get many pictures of the big children playing on the playground because, quite honestly, I was playing on it with them! You know, just demonstrating how to use it. ;) 

I'm so glad that we checked it out.  We will be back. This week, we're back in the 90s again (ugh).  I need to just 'keep on keeping on'....before summer ends!

Happy Tuesday, friends.

xo

Keeping the summer (standards) bar low

Hello, August!  I can not believe that we are already in August, and that school is a month away!  I find myself pulling back, thinking of all the things I still want to do with the children while they are home.  We made a summer list at the start of the season, and we have only ticked off a couple of items.  Hopefully my summer laziness will end, and I will kick it in high gear so that we can have some fun times before the school routine starts. 

We have had such high temps lately (90s) and with no A/C, I wilt around high Noon.  In the morning, we have a leisurely breakfast, which involves a lot of coloring in between bites.  Then we go out, sometimes for a walk, or to a park but usually to the store for things we need.  Then, the afternoon lazies begin. Gianna has dropped her afternoon naps.  Bode hasn't napped for a couple of years.  So that leaves just 1 child napping in the afternoon.   I have gotten into a really lazy, really horrible habit of turning on the TV and letting Bode and Gianna watch a show every afternoon.  I usually nap beside them, or surf the internet.  It is just a poor excuse of time.  I also find that Bode and Gianna are usually whiney and irritable after watching 2 shows. They whine to watch more shows. "Just one more!" is what I hear as soon as I grab the remote. When the TV goes off, the crying starts.  I don't know what happens but I do know that TV viewing is just not a good thing!  So this week, I resolve: NO MORE TV.   

I did buy a tiny inflatable pool for the children.  They love it.  Bode and Gianna will get in and splash around for hours. (I won't put Nico in there because...I'm paranoid. I don't trust myself not to turn my back for a second. Nothing has ever happened in the bath or otherwise, but I don't want anything to happen..if you know what I mean.) I usually just sit in a lawn chair and watch Bode and Gianna jump in and out of the pool.  I will use the bubble wand for Nico, who just loves chasing bubbles, or squeals with delight when he is surrounded by bubbles.  Nico also loves playing soccer, as he is our most "sporty" child yet.

I have not been very productive this summer. What is my excuse?  I just feel so tired all of the time! That is my only reason. And maybe I am the tiniest bit intimidated with the 3:1 ratio, especially in large spaces, like museums, where one could get lost.

A part of me wants to keep things simple (walks, bubbles and a wading pool) and then the other part of me screams, "Do more! Get out! Show them the world!" etc.  I think that while they are all little, I think things should stay simple for as long as possible. (Yes?) 

xo

Bode: first front tooth, gone!

Dear Bode,

Your front tooth has been wiggly, dangly, jiggly and just scary-looking-loose for about a month.  Sometimes, you remind me of a character on The Simpsons, because this front tooth of yours will jut out at a dramatic angle.  It makes me absolutely squeamish to look at this tooth. It has been a long month of me trying to school my face to "neutral" and not alarm you about your tooth.  And forget about brushing it! I was so nervous every time I put the toothbrush to that particular tooth, just waiting for it to go flying out at the slightest pressure.

Well, I am happy to report that the tooth fell out! This morning we went to the mall to do some back -to-school shopping for shoes.  We stopped at Starbucks afterward for a treat.  You were eating a ham/egg/cheese sandwich and you announced, "I think my tooth came out."  Well, I didn't react because you've been thinking that your tooth has come out several times over the past month.  But then you stuck your palm out, and there it was: your front tooth.

I smiled and congratulated you.  Then I gave you a hug, and while I was hugging you, I started to cry.  It made me feel so happy and so sad (at the same time) to see that tooth gone!  You are getting so big.  "Hey," you said, as a tear dropped on your cheek, "You're crying!"  I told you that I was only crying from happiness, because I was so happy for you.  You smiled big,  and that gap where the loose tooth used to taunt me? It looks so big and empty now.  

On the drive home, you kept poking your finger into the gap and telling me what you were doing.  We talked about how a big boy tooth was going to move into that spot.   I think you are really happy now that it's gone.  I think it was a bit of a preoccupation and a worry.  So now you are kind of relieved to get that out of the way. 

I'm going to enjoy your smile these days with your missing front tooth.  You've always had a great smile, and today, it is as beautiful as ever!

Love, 

Mommy

Stranger danger

Do you remember the caution, "Stranger danger!" that was stressed in the 80s?  I think it was the 80s. I know I had a few nieces at that time, and I remember one of my sisters being incredibly paranoid about child abduction.  That doesn't  sound fair: paranoid about something serious like child abduction.  But I remember thinking she was...a little zealous about teaching her child all the dangers out there.   I was a young aunt and had zero children at the time, and had absolutely no idea how your whole heart and mind change once you have a child.  I had no idea how fear of everything what-if can become your whole line of thinking when you have a child. 

I have always been pretty calm (I think?) about stuff like "stranger danger" with my children. It's probably because I'm always with my children.  (And before I continue, I do understand that this type of thinking is not a preventative or the 'right' way to think!)  The only time I had an absolute tear-producing, fearful situation was when we "lost" Gianna at the Farmer's Market in Saratoga Springs for about 5 minutes. And I think I pretty much forgot about that 10 minutes after we found her. 

I had an interesting "lesson"  recently.  We went to Bode's 6 year well-check a couple of weeks ago.  His pediatrician examined him, asked me questions about his eating habits, his sleep habits and such.  And then she looked at me and said, "Now I'm going to ask Bode some questions."  She turned her attention fully to Bode, and kind of blocked me from his view with her body, and began to present different scenarios to him.  I could see him but he couldn't really see me without leaning and looking around the pediatrician.

The firs scenario she told him about was a 'nice' lady pulls up in our driveway while he is outside playing. The nice lady rolls down her window and asks Bode if he would like some candy. She says that she has a big bag of candy to give him if he'll get into her car.  The pediatrician asked, "Would you get into her car for the candy?"  

It took Bode a loooong time to think about this situation. Finally, after what seemed like several minutes, he answered, "No."

(Phew.)

The next scenario was we are at home and I am taking a shower. Before I get in the shower,  I tell Bode and Gianna not to bother me while I am showering ("Mommy is tired and wants to be alone.").  Someone rings the doorbell and  the person wants to be let in the house.  The person says that he knows Mommy and it's okay. Does Bode let the person in the house?   

This time, he answered a little more quickly and said "No."

The most likely (and scariest) scenario, I thought, was when she told him to think that he was in a store. He was looking at toys in the store and then he realized that I  had walked off to shop for something else. He looked around but I was not there anymore.  What does Bode do if he can not find Mommy in the store?

Bode had no clue on what to do.  He just sat there thinking.  I felt my anxiety rising, as if I was watching from a distance while he was actually lost in the store, and I was behind some glass, sound-proof cage where I wanted to shout the answer to him ("I'm here! I'm here! Don't worry, I'll never leave you!").  Finally the pediatrician gave him two solutions: one was to find a mommy with a baby and ask her for help, and the other solution was to find the person working at the register.  (Honestly I found the second solution kind of confusing, because really...couldn't somebody just be standing there waiting for Bode to wander over looking for his mommy? The only store that has "official" looking uniforms are grocery stores and big box stores, and even then, colors can look like uniforms. I've often seen people in Target wearing red shirts that are not store clerks, for example).  

The pediatrician put him through a couple of more scenarios like this (what I call, "stranger danger" scenarios) and even though it took Bode a long time to think about these situations, he always answered "correctly."  

But it really made me stop and think.  He answered the questions correctly (with a lot of time to think) but what  if he was scared and panicked? Or what if he was hungry and that candy looked so good?  What would he do in a real-life situation?  Hopefully we will never have to find out.  

Before this appointment, I'd never told my children,  "don't talk to strangers" or about people being "bad" or anything like that. I've never told my children to not get into other people's cars or to not answer the door.  It just never occurred to me that I would need to.  And honestly, I don't want to because I don't like introducing those bad thoughts into their minds.  I like that they have a pretty innocent view of the world and would like to keep it that way.  (but of course, I wouldn't want to put them in danger just to shelter them from bad thoughts, either)

So after these questions, the pediatrician talked to us both about what to do in these situations. And she also gave us homework. I am to help Bode learn how (and when) to call 9-1-1, to memorize my phone number and how to tell people our address (things that he "failed" during her test).  

A couple of days after the appointment, we were at the library and Gianna found a book about talking to strangers. I thought it was a 'sign' that she had found this book and brought it to me. So I checked the book out of the library to talk about the stranger subject further. But it was....awful.  I mean I couldn't even finish some of the sentences because they were so....fear-inducing. I made up sentences as I read it (to not read the scary parts) and then I hid the book so that they wouldn't see it (and want to read it again).  But then our baby sitter came over and read the book to them. After they read the book, they both would say stuff like, "Don't talk to strangers! They are bad!"  (ugh)

I spent a few days correcting that mistake. I made a point of smiling at people ("strangers") and saying Hello to people we see out and about. I think the stranger-danger thought is corrected.  I was happy to see Bode say, "Hello, how is your day going?" to a man painting our neighbor's fence. 

I've been working with Bode on memorizing phone numbers and so far, the only thing he has learned is  9-1-1 (of course, because that is easy). But my issue is, we don't have a landline in the house. I only have my cellphone. So there is no way for him to practice dialing or even what a phone looks like! So I don't know what to do about that? I guess we should have a landline. Maybe I should have him practice my phone calling his aunts or something. Any ideas?

I've also been talking to him and Gianna about different situations and how to manage them.  I'm trying to put these "scary" situations into a more "empowering" light than "theres's a stranger at the door!" type thinking.  But it's a hard line, trying to impart the seriousness of the situation and getting the "what-to-do-if..." message across without putting fear into their heads. 

Have you talked to your children about emergency or scary situations, and do you have any good tips on making it more of an empowering situation than a scary situation?

Happy Thursday!

xo

Nico rocks!

Nico is getting so big, sitting in chairs unassisted. Last night, we were getting the children ready for bed, and he sat down in one of the little rocking chairs (gifted by their grandma).  I'm still so in awe whenever he does something new.  I called out to RWF, "Do you have your phone?!!" I wanted this recorded.  We shot a quick video, and I grilled Nico on what sounds different animals make while he rocked. But, because it was (dangerously) close to bedtime, Bode and Gianna were screechy and whiney in the background. It's kind of hard to hear Nico. I might post it anyway.  But for now, here are some pics of the big boy rockin' in the rocking chair.

Nico is now officially 21 months! I need to write a 20/21 months post for Nico! He has made a bunch of leaps over the past month, most notably talking up a storm and being opinionated!

Our summer mornings are spent at the swimming pool for Bode and Gianna's lessons. They are doing so great at swimming.  It makes me excited to think that they just might get the whole swim thing down before summer's end. But I may be getting ahead of myself.  

After swim lessons, we usually run an errand, stop at Starbuck's, and then we are home for naps.  I can never motivate myself to take them anywhere in the afternoons!  I really need to get it together. This summer has been pretty lame so far.

Happy Wednesday.

xo

Meeting Cinderella

This past weekend, I took Gianna* to meet Cinderella.  Cinderella was going to be at a craft event where little girls and boys could decorate a crown and hang out with her while she chatted and sang songs.  For more money, you could have your picture taken with Cinderella.

We got there super early. I didn't want to fight a potential mob of children.  We walked into the room, and Cinderella was standing right there.  We were the first ones to arrive. "Hello!" she greeted us.  Gianna's mouth dropped open and then quickly shut.  Then she put her head down and refused to look at Cinderella for the rest of the entire visit.

We had Cinderella to ourselves for about 20 minutes before other children showed up.  We sat down and worked on Gianna's crown.  While we picked out the stuff to glue onto the crown, Cinderella tried her best to engage Gianna.  She asked Gianna all kinds of questions. She described life at the castle and I asked her questions about her wicked stepmother, her stepsisters, her dog and her mouse friends. Gianna point-blank ignored her.  It was like Cinderella was a figment of my imagination. Gianna was so cool.

When we had finished the crown, it was time for the photo op.  I guided Gianna into the room and had her stand before the green backdrop.  Cinderella sat down beside her and then asked Gianna if she could stand a little closer to her.  Gianna ignored her so I kind of moved Gianna as close as I dared.

The photographers all tried to get Gianna to smile.  They complimented her on her beautiful crown, on her pretty dress, and asked her questions.  All for nothing! The girl just would not smile.  Cinderella tried to get her to laugh by telling her a joke but that failed, too.  I shrugged and said, "Just do what you can," and walked off. I thought maybe if I left, Gianna would engage.

While we were waiting for the photo to be printed, Gianna enjoyed a sparkly cupcake.  This was the only time she was animated and happy! But as soon as Cinderella approached, Gianna would turn away from her.

Once the photo was printed, Cinderella walked over to me, and kind of guiltily showed me the photo. "Um, this is what we got," she whispered. I think she thought I was going to be upset, or demand a retake.  Instead, I busted out laughing. It was the perfect picture of the morning.

How  funny is that photo? Gianna looks like she is standing next to a pile of stinky garbage, and not her idol.

Of course, for the rest of the weekend, Gianna was "Cinderella this," and "Cinderella that," and skipping along with her crown and grumpy photo in hand.  She's also been holding the skirt of her dress with one hand as she waltzes through the room, as if she were wearing a big ballgown, just like Cinderella was walking around at the event.

*I did not take Bode or Nico because I wanted to have a special date with Gianna. So please don't send me angry emails about how princesses are not just for girls, or that I favor Gianna over my boys. Bode and Nico both have enjoyed wearing Gianna's princess crown.
Happy week, friends.
xo

Lately...

I've been searching high and low for a (new) house.  It has been frustrating, disheartening and just plain exhausting.  It takes a lot of time to search houses.  We usually look at listings in the evening, after the children are in bed.  If I find something of interest (and the right price),  I'll drive by and scout out the area the next morning while the children are at school (with Nico riding in the car).  That is usually where the interest ends.     As you probably know, most photos of houses portray their best features.  It isn't until you drive up and see the junkyard across the street, or the broken-down fence attached to the yard. Also, Portland is weird, in that houses are just jammed together. And not only are they jammed together, but you will find houses behind you, in front of you and beside you.  For example, the front of our house faces the back of another house (and the back of our house faces another house...).  So we look into our neighbor's backyard.  It's just weird to me. I have not had much luck finding a mix of a good house and good location (and price).

So the search continues!

Gianna is going through a phase.  My little chickadee is spreading her wings, both metaphorically and physically.  She is more brave, riding her bike down the big hill like her brother. And she is being a bit...sassy.  I think it is because she is on the cusp of turning 4.  She has been talking back to me.  Most of the time, I remember that this is not Gianna, but a phase that she is going through at the moment.  Other times, I lose it and yell right  back at her.  But no matter what, we always have quiet time together where we talk about things, and work things out. 

Kate & Gianna at the May Day celebration

This morning, she woke up and went into my bedroom before 6 AM.  "Is it time to wake up yet?"  she whispered in the loudest voice possible (to "whisper" in).  I pulled back my covers to invite her in, and she jumped in and snuggled up next to me.  Without any preamble, she started telling me about her girl friends at school. They are a threesome, and they are so cute together. Two of her friends, Kate* and Ella, were not liking each other yesterday, and clearly this was something on Gianna's mind.  I got a flash of when she is older, and things like this are happening. I hope that she can always talk to me.  Even though lately she can be hard to handle, she brings me to my knees almost every day by (spontaneously)  declaring, "I'll love you forever!" or "I want to love you forever, Mama!"

I am still planning a birthday party for her. Location, date, and time still TBD.  (ai yi yi!)  The theme, of course, is still "pink princess."

Bode is doing well.  It's funny because he and Gianna have kind of switched places.  Where Gianna is sassy and testing limits, Bode has mellowed and seems self-sufficient right now.  It's been really fun to watch him deal with Gianna during a meltdown. It is almost like he knows what is going on, and tries to talk her through it.  One morning, Gianna wanted to wear a sundress on a cool day, and I said No.  This escalating into tears and yelling through the house.  RWF and I both tried to reason with her, and since that had not worked, we resorted to just telling her "NO."  Bode was the one who stepped in, found another dress in her closet and suggested it as a possibility. He presented it to her, "Here, Gianna, why don't you wear this pretty dress?"  It was so sweet, and also, eye opening...like, "Oh yeah, why didn't we (adults) think of that?"  Bode is now in a good place at school, and seems to enjoy the routine and his friends.  It's disappointing that the school year is about to end.  Most of the boys in Bode's class will not be returning to this school.

Speaking of school,  I've decided to stay with their current school. Both RWF and I have seen remarkable things with Bode and Gianna, and feel like this has been a good place for them.  So we are staying!  I signed a contract last week and I feel good about this decision.

Nico sez, "Your cracker bribe will no longer work!"

Nico is a happy little camper.  He loves his boots, being outside, and reading!  He has turned a corner on books, and is now obsessed.  He loves to sit and read, and will demand that I "ree" to him all the time.  Every night, I sit in the rocker with him and read three (usually more) books.  It is our special time, and I love it.  I love that he enjoys books right now. And I love that we have something "close" to do together that does not involve nursing.  I was afraid that weaning him meant that our being close was going to end (at least for awhile, because I was afraid of sending him mixed signals).  He is growing, in that he is no longer content to just sit and watch the sidelines.  Bode and Gianna have a few activities that we do during the week.  This means that Nico has to sit tight for an hour.  Well, it's getting harder to contain him.  I try bribing him with snacks and sometimes that works.  But I don't know how I'm going to get through this summer! Bode and Gianna have swim lessons every morning from June through August. They will also have other lessons, most likely gymnastics and ballet. Nico is 'done' with sitting in the stroller.

Speaking of summer, I have to figure out how to fill the hours once Bode and Gianna are out of school.  I have enrolled them in swim lessons, which are every day in the morning, but that leaves the rest of the day.  Camps are kind of out of the question, since I've committed them to swim lessons in the morning. Big "Oops" on my part, once I realized that I had messed that up. I'm still on the hunt for an afternoon camp. It would be great if I could find something for them both to do together, or at least at the same time(s). But I've found that most camps go "all day," or at least, start in the morning and end after lunch.

Everyone is doing well at this almost six-month mark of our move to Portland.  Six months!!!

I just wish that I could find a good house.  I am a bit obsessed, and I have to admit that the housing situation is coloring a lot of everything for me.  I can check the school off my list. Now the house is left.  Wish me luck!

xo

*Random trivia: Gianna's name was almost Kate.  It was number 2 on my list, after Mia (number 1!).  We tried it on her while in the hospital...it was so close that one of my sisters actually congratulated me on the birth of "Kate!" ;)

Party? What party?

It's probably best if I didn't tell you what I've been doing for the past hour (and a half) (or more).

I mean, I did do things that had to get done. I fed the children. I put the children to bed. I read them stories (4!), gave them more milk, then handled various other issues (potty, pillow fluff, tucking in, hurt hand, hurt feelings, etc.).  I cleaned the kitchen (a lot). Then I got online to start planning Gianna's 4th birthday party.  I tried to answer various questions so that I could construct the proper invitation. Where to host, at home? (Bwaahaaahaa! No.freaking.way.) Okay, if not at home, then where?  I started searching online and ended up in this black hole called "best birthday party ever!" where I was sucked into thinking that if I didn't select the perfect venue, and all the best of everything, then Gianna would be damaged.  Then I started thinking about how she's turning FOUR, and OHMYGAWD how is that possible?  And then I started thinking, "Well, what did she look like at this time last year?"  

And then went down another rabbit hole:

Baby G

And then further:

And further still:

Stop. You're killing me.

Ohmygawd. Swoooooon.

And then suddenly, I was back in California with a toddler boy and a baby girl. And that little cheeky monkey was just killing me with his smile. I had to stop the insanity! So here I am. Confession is good for the soul.  And I still have a lot of party planning to do.
Thanks for listening.
xo

May Day Celebration

Here is a branch of snowy May,

a branch the Faeries gave me.

Would you like to dance today with a branch the Faeries gave me?

Dance away! Dance away! 

Holding high the branch of May!

Today the children celebrated May Day at school. It was a fun, magical time in the forest, making flower wreaths for our hair, making sachets with grandmothers, singing songs, and eating homemade bread with honey butter during our picnic. And of course, the May Pole Dance!  

Happy May Day!

xo