No joke....

I am ready for the rain to stop. But we still have plenty of showers in April, May, June...and for all the days to come!  I do have to say that the Spring flowers around here have been wonderful. Lots of Daffodils, Tulips, and other blooms that I have not yet identified are springing up (ha!) all over town.  There is a flowering tree in our corner whose white flowers have already fallen from one of many downpours.  The white blooms look like snow from a distance.  

I am told by locals that it does not warm up here until June.  I am disappointed to hear this news. But then, I think of our friends and family in the East and the loooong winter they have had, and I think, "Well..."  Hopefully we all will get to enjoy a nice (dry) Spring and Summer soon!

My energy and mood have been so down lately.  I don't know if it's the weather, life, or something else.  I've been so cranky and everything (every.little.thing.) is driving me crazy.  I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for a check-up.  Maybe I need more iron or something (I am taking Vitamin D as well as other supplements). If all checks out well, then I'm turning to booze.  

I joke! Happy April Fool's Day!

Okay, not funny. But I hope that your corner is a little sunnier today.

xo

The brown-haired Grandma

December 8, 2011

When Bode and Gianna were little, my mom loved gifting them stuffed bears and other seasonal animals from the Build-A-Bear store.  Inside each one, she recorded a message, usually along the lines of, "Hi Bode! It's Grandma! I love you!"

When my mom died, one of the first things I thought of was these stuffed animals.  I knew that I could not bear to hear my mom's cheerful voice ringing through the playroom.  So I told RWF to please "get rid of" the stuffed animals.  He did by bagging them all up and sticking them in a closet.

One stuffed toy found its way out during our move. It was a Frosty the Snowman.  Frosty's hat plays a magical jingle (signifying when he comes to life) and lights up.  The children love it.  Frosty also has a recording of my mom, but I didn't remember until Bode pressed Frosty's hand. My mom's voice announced, "Merry Christmas, Bode! It's Grandma. I love you!"

As you can guess,  hearing my mom's voice jarred me.  It made me sad. I wanted to throw away Frosty immediately before Bode could play the recording again.

Bode looked surprise. Then he guffawed, "Grandma!"  He then turned to me and asked, "Which Grandma is it, the brown-haired Grandma or the white-haired Grandma?"

You guys. This question made me so happy.

The fact that he remembered my mom having brown hair*! He hasn't seen her in forever. And honestly, I have not talked about my mom in the last couple of years since she died.  It's too hard. When you have kids, I've discovered, you really want your parents to enjoy their grandchildren. And, you want your kids to enjoy their grandparents.  The fact that my children will never know my parents is something I will always regret.

Bode remembered that he has a brown-haired grandma. It makes me so happy. And one day, I'll be able to talk to him about my mom and tell him all about her.

Thank you, Bode, for taking a sad moment and turning it into a happy one.

And to our brown-haired Grandma: we love you.

Happy Monday, all.
xo

*as my sibs know, my mom didn't really have brown hair...but the color is close in Bode's eyes.

First and last

Goodbye, Exersaucer. You've been good to us!

I'm purging and saying goodbye to a lot of baby stuff.  Every time Nico reaches a milestone, and every time he moves on from a toy or baby gear, I have to say goodbye to this time in our life. It is  his first milestone, it is my last.

Goodbye, baby swing. Thanks for all the sleep!

It makes me sad, knowing that we will never need the Tiny Gym, the swing, or this table:

All of our babies used this table to learn to stand (and play).  I can sing along to every song that plays from this table. It brings back memories of when Bode was a baby and it even brings back feelings I had when Bode was a baby.

Goodbye, baby bath. It's been fun.

I started crying and gnashing my teeth over letting go of this silly table.

RWF was the one that suggested that I document this table with all of our babies around it. Of course, none of the babies cooperated (except for Nico, my smiley guy).  "Oh here goes Mommy, crying again. Let's ignore her. Again."

Goodbye, table. We love you!

You can't even tell from this photo how Bode and Gianna tower over it, but tower they do.  I know it's time to say goodbye to the table. I know another baby will benefit greatly from it.

It's time to let go and move on.  No looking back.

Well, except for pictures like these.
xo

Halloween

3...2...1...

Cinderelly

Bode and Gianna had their very first experience trick-or-treating last night.

The babies were quiet with anticipation as we drove to a nearby neighborhood.  On the drive over, I explained to them how houses are either lit up for Halloween, or they are dark, depending on whether the people in the house wish to give out candy.  It was pouring down rain and windy.  We had a full day of school, doctor appointments, and other errands. We were driving home from the pediatrician at 5:30, and all I wanted to do was put everyone to bed.  Instead, we raced home, ate a quick bite and then headed out again (because I had promised Bode and Gianna we would trick-or-treat!).

At just 6 PM, it was so dark and heavy rain splashed down on our windshield, making it so hard for me to see.  I parked at the first decorated, fully lit house we saw.  At first, I thought I'd keep Nico in the car and just go to the one house.  But as I was about to walk up to the house, I saw other houses were lit up close by.  So I got the stroller out, and put Nico in.  I had to call Gianna back, because she was already making the walk up to the house.  A group of teenage (?) boys, all in black and with no discernible costume among them, was crowding the porch.  "Let's let them go first," I cautioned. Within seconds, the boys were trotting off, but then they slowed to a stop in front of Bode.

"Whoah. That is so cool."

"Do you see his costume? He's an astronaut!"

"Check out his helmet!"

"You've got the coolest costume ever!"

These were genuine compliments. "Thank you," came Bode's muffled reply. (He insisted on keeping the visor down!)

Gianna then took off boldly, plastic pumpkin out in front of her, in search of the candy. I watched as she put her hand up to steady her crown as she stepped up to the porch.  Only then did she turn back to see if we were behind her.

Two girls answered the door and deposited a handful of candy in each pumpkin.  Two heads bent down to look inside their pumpkins and each baby said, "Thank you!" and then slowly shuffled down the path, eyeing their candy the whole time.

The next house had a single porch light, and not a single Halloween decoration on display.  Gianna moved forward, but Bode hung back.

"Wait!" he wailed "There's no light on. There's nobody there!"

I gazed at the yellow porch light and then turned to Bode. "Yes, the light is on. Let's just go see."

And of course, someone answered the door and gave the children candy.

Nico was so quiet as we strolled (so slowly...) through the rain.  Gianna was looking a bit tired, if not bedraggled, by her rainy pilgrimage for candy. At one point, she stepped on the train of her dress and there was an audible rip.  There was a pause, and then she said, "That's okay." The rain was coming down sideways, so my umbrella was not much use to Nico, or any of us. I felt like such a jerk, dragging my baby through the rain-filled street.  I told myself that we would visit 4 houses total, and no more.

I think that the babies would have easily continued trick-or-treating, if I had not suggested that we go home and watch the traditional Charlie Brown cartoon.

Post-trick-or-treat

We got home, changed immediately into warm jammies and watched a show.  They got 1 piece of candy to eat, after I had searched the contents of their pumpkins. Curious to know what each child picked? Gianna picked peanut M&Ms. Bode picked a Twix.  The rest of the candy (8 pieces total, each) was put back into their pumpkins and up on the counter. 

It was a successful, soaking wet, trick or treating adventure.  They both woke up this morning and put on their costumes. Today, I'm going to propose that they leave their candy out for the Switch Witch. I hope that it works...I'm craving chocolate!

This month has been the worst.  It has been full of ups, downs, worry, heartache and hurts. I usually love October and Halloween, but this year, I'm ready to say goodbye.

Happy November...let's hope that it's better this month.

xo

Follow up, and a Jack-o-lantern

I need to clarify what I wrote about in my previous post. I hinted about Depression and Bad Mothering.  I am okay. I don't think that I've kept my "down" days too hidden, but maybe have not written what exactly gets me down on those "down" days.  And of course, I haven't written about my bad mothering days.  I may have alluded to frustration or exhaustion on those days. It's hard to write about these things because this is a very public space.  I am a very private person. While I want to share my life, especially life with my children, I don't want to dwell too much on the negative. Dwelling on the negative, or writing about a particular "down" "bad mothering" day can color the way people view me. And it's just a tiny slice of life, not the whole picture. Writing about my feelings makes me vulnerable and opens up possible criticism.  I get pretty snarly when people insert their opinions (when I didn't ask for them). 

Then again, I don't want to paint a picture of this glorious stress-free, crafty-fun, all-is-groovy life. I don't want to gloss over the bad stuff. So I have to figure out how to write about certain things, and to balance the good and the bad (because there is bad). I will post the mundane details, the photos of my children with uncombed hair and mismatched clothes. One of my biggest irks is the blogs (and oh my gawd there are so many of them!) where the pictures are so perfectly coordinated (not authentic) and the daily life posts are so unreal, that they may as well be writing about flying unicorns and rainbows. It has become a big source of irritation and I'm slowly learning to not read these blogs. I hiss, Get real! Maybe that should become my new mantra.

My original intent in keeping this blog was to keep distant family connected. At the time, we were living in California with two babies while our families were in Texas and New York.  Our families naturally wanted to know about the milestones and see the pictures of the babies. I was happy to oblige, as a new mother I loved nothing more than writing out every single detail and capturing every single moment with my camera.

Now, I write for the families but also for my children. I have so many questions about my childhood and about my family (of origin).  My parents probably wouldn't remember everything I have questions about - and now that I'm a mom to three, I certainly understand how everything just sort of smushes together. So I try to write about things that my children will like to know about their young lives. And post pictures of everyone so that they have visual memories as well.

Down days? Yes. Bad mothering? Unfortunately, yes.  Details?  Maybe. Another time.

Now onto my flying unicorns part of the post.  Yesterday we carved a pumpkin.  It was the first time in my adult life that I've carved a pumpkin by myself. I think in years past, I always let the "guy" in my life (dad, boyfriend, husband) have the knife. Well NO MORE! And let me tell you, I felt pretty powerful wielding that knife and sticking it into "Pumpkin FIRE!" (as Bode named our Jack-o-lantern).

For me, picking out a pumpkin is all about the stem!

First, I let the babies pick out which pumpkin they wanted to carve (we have 5).  Then, I let them dictate what kind of face they wanted by asking them questions, like I was a police sketch artist:  Does the pumpkin have big round eyes, or triangles?  Does the pumpkin have a nose? Is it a square? Is the pumpkin smiling, or is he sad? etc.  They described the pumpkin's features easily.

Bode is singing loudly about PUMPKIN FIRE!

Then it was time to carve. Oh boy. Where to start?  

Meanwhile, Bode and Gianna had quickly lost interest and had started chasing each other around the yard.  I got immersed in carving. Then I looked down to see Nico had discovered the pumpkin guts in a bowl. Thankfully, he wasn't eating anything.

And there you have it:

Oh, and as I was narrating about how to commence carving, Bode pipes up with, "Yeah, you have to scoop out the seeds. After you scoop out the seeds, you need to clean them and let them dry. And then you roast them and eat them!"  I said, "Wait a minute. Have you done this before?"  And he said (casually), "Yeah, we carved pumpkins at my school last week."  

Damn.

Ooops! I mean, "Why, those energetic teachers! How nice of them to spread holiday cheer!"

I have to admit I was a bit defeated when Bode admitted that he had already carved pumpkins and roasted the seeds (over a campfire, no doubt!) at school. Oh well. He did like it when I lit a candle in the pumpkin.  And our pumpkin seeds are drying out on the counter, waiting to be roasted.

Happy Monday.

xo

Knock, knock

I think I've kept my feelings undercover here. But I must confess I have been down for so long. And I have been a terrible mother this past year because of my mood(s). This week, despite a solid month of sleep deprivation (!), I have felt joy around my children. It's hard to explain (and embarrassing) to admit that I've been down, when I have these wonderful babies to live with and love. But I have not been myself. But recently, I have gotten glimpses of my old self and how I used to just enjoy simply "being" with my children. I have felt lighter, more present, and more playful. The fog lifted a little this week, and it made me so happy and thankful!

Who's there? Mr. Funny Guy, that's who.

Kindergarten has opened a lot of doors for Bode...physically (he's soooo active and physical) and emotionally (he is needy/tearful...perhaps it's hard for him, this stretching to be a big boy at school, so when he comes home, he needs extra love and attention?).  And, he is just funny! This morning, he decided he was a volcano as he dressed into a t-shirt ("I'm....erupting!" he shouted as he pushed his head through the neck hole). He has also discovered knock-knock jokes. It started this morning at breakfast, when he announced, "Knock-knock..." And when I asked, "who's there?" he was so delighted! "How did you know!" he demanded, surprised that I knew this joke. All through breakfast, we exchanged knock-knock jokes. It made us both happy, as if we were speaking a secret language. BTW, I was worried about knowing knock-knock jokes, and immediately reached for my phone to Google "knock-knock jokes for 5 year olds" but stopped and made up my own. As I suspected, no, they don't need to make any sense right now for Bode to laugh.

Pumpkin

Gianna is a combination of absolute sweet-babyness and absolute sass...which I guess is pretty normal for a 3 year old?  She is so excited for Halloween. We have her costume all set. Spoiler alert: store-bought and completely unoriginal (but she is thrilled). I hope (fingers crossed) that we can go trick-or-treating this year. It seems like something always happens to prevent the fun!  Gianna is loving the word, "No" lately and I'm having to curtail my automatic Mother-is-always-right response of "What did you say?"  I have learned that with her, it is sometimes better to just let her say "No," and work around it.  She is having a lot of fun at  school. She enjoys her girlfriends, Ava, Ann-Sophie, and Katie. She sees Ann-Sophie at gymnastics, too, so they have a closer relationship. I am amazed at how "girly" Gianna is, and how it is just...innate. She loves dressing up, all things pink, and her babies. She has also taken more interest in Nico, wanting to feed him, give him his baba, and giving him hugs.

No sleep, but who can resist this face?

Nico is doing good, despite a horrible, erratic sleep "schedule" (or no "schedule" really), teething, and challenges with dairy (that I wrote about earlier). We are now giving him almond milk, on the advice of a nurse. The goat milk was just not getting drunk. He was drinking 2-4 oz a day. He is supposed to be drinking 16-24 oz a day! So I was starting to panic, thinking he was becoming malnourished. The nurse assured me that he was not malnourished but suggested that we try almond milk. Almond milk is sweeter, and Nico is now drinking 10 oz a day. He is still not really taking a bottle or sippy cup. Baby steps! All I can do is offer and then smile, when he violently throws the baba to the ground. I have found the easiest way to get him to drink is to give it to him while we are in the car. Maybe the reclined position of the car seat and lack of anything better to do helps? He  is teething, and he is sick, so sleep has been in small increments. It is maddening, but I just remind myself that he is not feeling good. Still, it is so hard for me to get up 2-3times a night, and then be up by 7 am and be pleasant to the rest of my family! As my friend Kristi reminded me, sleep deprivation is a form of torture.  (amen!) 

Yesterday, in a fit of good cheer, I proposed that we make pumpkin bread.  We actually looked around and found a recipe for pumpkin chocolate chip muffins that sounded yummy. So we made that (and a big mess...but it was worth it).  It has been a long time since I baked with my babies. We had fun.  I didn't mind when they skeedaddled, leaving me to clean up the batter dripped on the counter and the flour over everything. The pumpkin chocolate chip muffins are delicious! I highly recommend them, especially with a strong cup of coffee (obviously not the coffee for the babies). 

After a lame dinner of chicken breasts, steamed rice and broccoli, it was time for swimming. I was so nervous because it was going to be my first time taking all 3 babies out at night, to the Y so that Bode and Gianna could take their swim lessons.  I got everyone into the car on time and then I went up to the door to grab my jacket and hit the garage door opener.  The garage door started opening with a long, high pitched squeal....and then it stopped halfway.  I hit it again. The garage door went down. I hit again. The garage door squealed its high pitched noise and stopped halfway again.  I did this a few more times.  What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result.  Well finally, Bode yelled from the backseat, "Mom! I know what you can do! You can call somebody!"  Hmm. Great idea, Bode. But really, there was nobody to call.  I stood there and hit the button one more time. No go, joe.  So I walked down to the car and admitted defeat. I sadly told them that we would not make it to swimming tonight. I was worried, because they love swimming with a passion, and looked forward to it all day.  But they were okay. They got out of the car easily enough (well, after I promised that they could watch a show in lieu of swimming).   So we were stuck at home last night.  So, another issue to deal with tomorrow....

I am happy that it is the weekend. RWF and I have a date afternoon planned (though I would love to take the 3 hours for a sitter and use it for just sleeping!), and hopefully we will carve pumpkins.

Happy weekend.

xo

Perspective

Life has been so crazy lately.  I keep thinking, "This is my life," when I get discouraged about the constant running around, meal prep, messiness, the teething, etc.  And then I think, "This is not my life," when I get discouraged about the constant running around, meal prep, messiness, the teething, etc. It just depends on my mood, I guess. I have not been getting a lot of sleep lately. Nico has had a full month of erratic sleep (waking all hours, teething, sick, etc.). And then there is the usual business of life and all its fun stuff thrown our way...some of which, I won't even address here. So usually by Thursday, I'm in tears.

My constant refrain has  been, "I'm so tired."  The other night, when RWF asked me how I was, I started to say, "I'm so (tired)..." but before I could finish, he started laughing. He said that if I were a Chatty Cathy doll and you pulled my string, I would whine, "I'm so tired!" or "I don't know what to make for dinner!" or "Nico is not sleeping!"  He was laughing but I wasn't. I know that he is trying to make light of our situation. But it really made me stop and think.

I need to change myself. I need to stop focusing on my lack of sleep and make the most of what sleep I do get. I need to be happy that we are healthy. I need to be happy that we are all together.

It's all perspective, right?

So here is where we are at:

Nico tried milk a couple of weeks ago.  BIG MISTAKE.  He was so miserable, constantly crying (so unlike him), arching his back (gassy), diarrhea (TMI, sorry) and no sleep. It was awful (understatement).  And now, we're trying goat's milk which is much better. But he doesn't want to drink from a bottle or a sippy cup. I think the dairy may have scarred him for life. I hope not. 

The thing is, I am so ready to wean Nico. So his resistance to all bottles and sippy cups is very discouraging for me. That, and the fact that he is getting up 2-3 times a night is downright frustrating. This will pass...right?

He is happier now that the dairy has left  his system. He continues to stand and now walks with the aid of his toys.  

He is also currently teething.  Two top teeth are breaking in.

Priscilla had a biopsy on 2 separate areas of her body a couple of weeks ago. Luckily it all came back benign.   We have a wonderful vet. She even gave P a holiday bandage, which I loved (even though my heart breaks thinking about P in pain):

Bode and Gianna continue to do well in school.  Gianna loves dressing up for school (and carrying her Hello Kitty purse everywhere!).  Bode continues to not care about clothes but lives and breathes for the times he can play with his cars and planes!

They have even learned some simple spelling (just kidding!):

RWF rode a century last weekend!

All is well, all is well....

Happy week.

xo

Labor Day weekend

This end-of-summer weekend has been anti-climatic.  It has been a slow, lazy, grey weekend, punctuated by thunderstorms. We have stayed in, ate in, and been generally lazy.

Now that I've painted such a dull picture, I have to back up and confess that we did have some sun on Friday.  We went to the park.  Once again, Bode was terrorized by another little boy. What gives?!! I am so angry at these little boys who think that they can just hit my son.  This time, Bode was following a little boy up a slide (that is covered, like a tunnel). Before they even went into the tunnel, this kid turned around and started hitting Bode repeatedly.  Bode looked over at me and wailed.  He then got hit again and I yelled, "Come here!" because I was afraid that Bode was just going to stand there and be pummeled repeatedly.  Bode ran over to me and I soothed him.  His face and neck were all red from where the little boy struck him.  The kid had already ran off to another play structure while I was trying to calm Bode. The mom didn't do anything. She was busy talking to somebody. I was so angry that I took everybody home. It was such a downer.  Later, when I explained the situation to RWF, he thought that maybe the boy was scared by Bode.  Doubtful.

GET OFF THE COUCH, P!

On Saturday, I took the two older monkeys to the Farmer's Market and to the carousel for one last hurrah.  

On Sunday, we.... I am drawing a blank. That's how exciting it's been around here!  Oh. We stayed home. I ran a long run, and was simply exhausted afterwards. Plus, the crummy weather kept us inside. 

Today, we met some friends for a play date. We were supposed to go to the park, but thunderstorms prevented that. We met at our local bookstore instead.  That lasted about 15 minutes before two of the children were running around and chasing each other (note: their initials were not BWF or MGF. I'm just sayin') (Dear Karma, I can write that because you and I both know that it has been BWF and MGF in the past. For once, I could stand back because finally, it was not my children causing the ruckus. Love, HAS).  So our playdate ended quickly, with promises to meet up once everyone is acclimated to the new school routine and our weather (hopefully) improves.

School!  Bode starts this Thursday and I am in denial. Denial! I can not believe it. I'm really not thinking about it. I'm just going to let it happen.  Then, next Monday, Gianna starts preschool. My baby girl is going to skip, no, RUN into school and not look back.  I just know it. And that is going to leave me and Nico alone, together.

It is crazy to think that this time last year, I was preparing for a baby!  I was so close to meeting my preshus! My Nico!  And to think, his 1st birthday is right around the corner!  I can't think about it too much, because I'll get sad.  It was a crazy year for me, and I had a lot of emotional struggles.  He has been such a blessing to me.  He has kept me sane and happy. There is nothing better for your well-being than holding a baby.  And a smiley, chunky baby is even better.  I adore this boy so much. 

And that is all the news that is fit to print (for us).

Happy Labor Day weekend, end-of-summer to you.

xo

Park

Here are lots of photos highlighting my children's happiness today. Their mother finally had a good attitude and the energy to take them to the park.

- Three (!) babies in swings.
- Bode's hair looks funny because he wore 2 pigtails earlier in the day.
- At first, Bode insisted on swinging in the baby swing. I reminded him that he swings on the big boy swing. When I refused to lift him into the baby swing, he got mad and climbed in by himself!
- Bode has been wearing 2 watches for the past several days.  I showed him how to use the timer function on my running watch (that he's wearing). Any time something is about to happen, he hits one of the buttons (that beeps) and announces, "I'm going to have to set the timer for that."
- I am reminded, once more, that I keep forgetting that Gianna is almost 2 years younger than Bode. She just does everything that he does. It is easy to forget. She got on the seesaw easily for Bode when he asked her to play with him. But when he started pumping it up and down, I could see a bit of anxiety.  She was very happy when I explained to Bode that "Gianna might not like that, Bode." She got off quickly when I stopped the seesaw for her.
- Nico loves to swing.  He was awake for most of the park visit before nodding off in the stroller. We were there for a long time. It was nice to not have to worry about having to feed him while at the park! Now that he is older, he can go longer between feedings. This frees me up for the other babies (emotionally and physically).

It was nice to have the energy and to be mentally "up" for a visit to the park today. I hope that I can take the children more often! They certainly deserve it.
Happy Tuesday.
xo