Park

Here are lots of photos highlighting my children's happiness today. Their mother finally had a good attitude and the energy to take them to the park.

- Three (!) babies in swings.
- Bode's hair looks funny because he wore 2 pigtails earlier in the day.
- At first, Bode insisted on swinging in the baby swing. I reminded him that he swings on the big boy swing. When I refused to lift him into the baby swing, he got mad and climbed in by himself!
- Bode has been wearing 2 watches for the past several days.  I showed him how to use the timer function on my running watch (that he's wearing). Any time something is about to happen, he hits one of the buttons (that beeps) and announces, "I'm going to have to set the timer for that."
- I am reminded, once more, that I keep forgetting that Gianna is almost 2 years younger than Bode. She just does everything that he does. It is easy to forget. She got on the seesaw easily for Bode when he asked her to play with him. But when he started pumping it up and down, I could see a bit of anxiety.  She was very happy when I explained to Bode that "Gianna might not like that, Bode." She got off quickly when I stopped the seesaw for her.
- Nico loves to swing.  He was awake for most of the park visit before nodding off in the stroller. We were there for a long time. It was nice to not have to worry about having to feed him while at the park! Now that he is older, he can go longer between feedings. This frees me up for the other babies (emotionally and physically).

It was nice to have the energy and to be mentally "up" for a visit to the park today. I hope that I can take the children more often! They certainly deserve it.
Happy Tuesday.
xo

MINUS seventeen

Priscilla sneakily laying on Nico's cozy blankets

This morning it was -17 degrees in our little hood.  Lovely.  We stayed inside.  The children played with Play-Doh and Legos.  Nico stayed in my arms, nursing for what seemed like the entire morning.  

At least we are all warm. I can't help but think of those less fortunate than us.  And the animals.  Let's all say a prayer for them.  Sending warmth and light your way, too.

xo

Everybody hurts

There is nothing we can say that would convey the loss and grief experienced by those families who lost  their children on Friday.  Words are not adequate.  But we all feel it.

Everybody hurts.

Let's be kind to each other and love one another during this time. Keep everyone in Newtown in your hearts and prayers. And let us not forget how precious and fragile life truly is as we move forward.
xo

Aunt Melinda and Thanksgiving

Bode 2010

Gianna 2010

Happy Thanksgiving, friends!  I am super excited today.  I went to the grocery store and bought all my Thanksgiving food. Tomorrow, my dear sister Melinda arrives!  I can't wait to see her!

It is a holiday near and dear to my heart. One, because I love Thanksgiving. Two, because my mom and sister always visited during Thanksgiving. My mom (and sister) would cook the entire Thanksgiving meal in our tiny, sparsely equipped kitchen - no easy feat! But my mom did it, wonderfully and without complaint.  Bode was just 7 weeks old on his first Thanksgiving, and my mom and Melinda were there.  They were also there for Gianna's first Thanksgiving, too. And, Melinda will be here for Nico's first Thanksgiving, too! I have many happy memories of Thanksgiving in California, mainly because my mom and sister were with us.  

Last night, I talked to Bode and Gianna about Aunt Melinda visiting. We talked about what we will do (go to Starbucks, Congress Park, the park...) and what we would eat for Thanksgiving (turkey, brussels sprouts, sweet potatoes, etc.).  Bode and Gianna are excited for Aunt Melinda to visit, too.

This year, it is going to be sad without my mom.  But I am so happy that my sister will be here with me! 

Melinda and Gianna 2010

I'm so excited to see Melinda tomorrow!

xo

October 2

Because I couldn't process that it was my mother's birthday yesterday, because I didn't want to think about her (and the accompanying ache), or dwell on loss, I didn't.  I intentionally  didn't think about it being her birthday. I didn't think about what I have lost. I didn't think about what she has lost, or what she is missing out on.

I didn't. But then, I really did.

And later in the evening, during the children's bath, I had a fit of "I need to do something to acknowledge my mother's birthday."  So I ran upstairs to the children's rooms.  I pulled out their new Halloween pajamas.  "Hey guys!" I announced as they splashed in the tub, "You're going to wear your new Halloween pjs tonight!"  They were so excited, they clamored out of the tub with shrieks of "Oooh! Halloween pajamas!" as if I had announced there would be ice cream.

My mom would be pleased, I think, to see how excited her grandbabies were to don new Halloween pjs on her birthday.  And I think that this may be a new tradition, a new way of acknowledging my mother and saying, "Happy Birthday" to her.  My mother loved all holidays.  But she really loved Halloween (just as I do).   So I decided last night that I'm going to move forward on celebrating Fall and Halloween.  We'll decorate, we'll visit a pumpkin patch, we'll do all things Fall. Hooray.  And hooray for a mother who showed me how to celebrate the holidays, and any other day "just because." 

Because life is worth celebrating.
xo

Oh brother!

My brother, his wife, and two beautiful daughters visited us this weekend.  It was so nice to see my brother.  I loved talking to him, Jeanne (my SIL), and my nieces.  It just reminded me (again) of  how important family is, and how wonderful it is to spend time with your family!  My family is spread across the US (or, used to be when we lived in Cali) and so it is not so easy to get together, especially because we all have lives of our own (how novel!).

Bode and Gianna have never met my brother or his family. So when they visited the Berkshires last week, they made a point of visiting us (even though they had to drive through bad weather and winding roads). 

We went out to dinner.  It is hard to pick a place suitable for 2 toddlers, 2 teenagers, and 4 adults.  I decided on the Circus Cafe, because it has a little bit of everything on the menu, and it is very family friendly (anything with "circus" in the name is fit for our family).

Bode tricked his uncle into thinking that he was light enough to be carried around downtown (until I informed my brother that Bode is in fact, 45 lbs, and very capable of walking on his own).

It is hard to  believe that so much time passes between seeing your very own family.  I used to be close to my brother...I still am, and always will be, but it is funny how life changes us.  But it doesn't change us so much, because I know that if my brother were reading this over my shoulder, he'd be rolling his eyes and reading this out loud in a comical, snot-nosed voice (supposedly imitating the way I talk, in his mind, at least).

My nieces are the deadly combination of beautiful and sweet. (Don't change, girls!)  I think the last time I spent time with them was when they returned from England. They were 2 and 4.  Today they are 13 and 15.  Family members say that Keara (right) looks like me when I was a teenager.  I can see glimpses, but really, my first thought is, "No way. She is so much prettier than I ever was!"  It is a real compliment to me to hear family  say that she has a look of me.  Maggie (left) is pretty and confident, in that she says what is on her mind, boom.  They are unique, lovely girls and I love that they are my nieces! (Don't change!)

A giant plate of cotton candy for dessert

My brother walked Gianna around the restaurant when she got antsy. I was able to sit, eat and talk to everyone during the entire meal (a luxury!).

After dinner, we parted ways, but not without promising to see each other again soon.

See ya.

It is a fact that my mother dying has brought my brothers and sisters in constant communication, since we don't have "Mom" keeping us all informed about each other.  I guess that is one positive that came out of losing my mother.

Hug your loved ones, keep them close.

xo

Splash

Miss Independent

This morning, Gianna woke at 6:30 A.M.  This is super early for her (and Bode).  She was kicking her crib and shouting, but in a happy way.  I decided that I had better get to her quickly, before she woke up Bode.  I went in, and she was fine.  "Hi, Mommy," she said, just like she always does.  No diaper leaks, no poopy diaper...so why was she up?   I thought about asking her to please stay in her crib for another hour. But then thought, "She's up..."  So I got her up and dressed. We went downstairs quietly. And while I was getting breakfast together, I watched as she opened up the screen door and slipped out on the patio.  "Now wait just a minute...." I thought.  "Who did she think she was, leaving this house without telling me?  Who was this 2 year old, this baby who now opens doors and goes outside by herself?" I immediately switched into my defensive, lecturing mother stance. But then I took a deep breath. I peeked out the kitchen window and watched her make her way, barefoot, down the deck stairs and onto the dewy grass.  She stepped gingerly, but quickly, making her way around to the front of the house.  I thought about running out there and giving her some parental "guidance," in the form of a lecture about how "we" don't just let ourselves outside and go away by ourselves. Instead, I opened the garage door and ran outside quickly to meet her.  Our paths met, and she looked up, surprised. "Hi, Mommy," she said again.  I smiled, and told her that she needs to tell me if she is going outside so that I can be with her (no lecture, just a friendly chat) and asked her to please put on her shoes.  She put on her shoes and then we walked around the yard together, picking up acorns and pine cones, inspecting flowers and fallen leaves. 

After awhile, we came back inside for some milk and coffee. We sat on the couch and talked. RWF joined us, tickling Gianna while we discussed our weekly agenda. Bode slept an hour later than he normally does, and so the house was quiet and calm.  It was  a peaceful, easy morning.  (and I've made a mental note that the screen door must be locked at all times)

Today we went to a park with a splash pad. It is on our summer list, so it had to be done, right?  Honestly, every time I drove by the splash pad, I'd feel so guilty that I hadn't taken Bode and Gianna there yet.  Mondays are usually my errand-running days.  Today I didn't have an errand (because I ran errands late Saturday night) so I thought that today would be the perfect day for the splash pad. And it was.

Instead of watching my clock, I watched them. I watched as they splashed and played. I watched, until they started showing signs of being tired. When Gianna laid down on the ground, letting the spray just fall over her like so much rain, I knew it was time to leave.  I gathered our things and gently told them that it was time to  go home.  They were ready, and complied without too much resistance. I wrapped Gianna in her towel and she collapsed into my arms, a tired baby bundle to carry to the car.  We were there for an hour and 45 minutes. Had I been watching my clock and sticking to "the schedule," we would have stayed for exactly 1 hour (and I would have fought them for a good 20 minutes trying to get them to leave, before dragging them both to the car).  (Note to self: sometimes, things just work out if you leave things alone and just go with the flow).

Saturday we went for a family swim.  It worked out really well having one child per parent.  First, RWF swam with Gianna while I swam with Bode. Then we switched.  I think the babies enjoyed it, too.  Gianna was on her back and kicking (with RWF holding her). She is a fish in the water, completely at home.

Sunday I cleaned like crazy.  I got so much cleaning done early in the morning, while RWF was on his bike ride. RWF was so impressed.  He kept saying, "I can't believe how much you did," and as if trying to motivate me in the future, adding, "...and it didn't take you that long, either."  Uhm. Yeah.  (Wrong!)  It was a lot of work, but worth it. It is really nice having a completely clean house. I was completely whipped by 5 PM though.  We ate out all weekend (and Thursday, too).   

Bode starts camp again tomorrow.  I really hope that he is enjoying this and getting something out of it. And I hope to use one day this week to do a fun activity for Gianna.  

Successful days like today (waking with Gianna, being at the splash pad) make me feel so good!  It has been a long time since I've felt like I've had an easy time of it (mothering).  When days like this come, when the mothering is easy and doesn't require any thought or stress, I think of my own mother. I think sometimes that she is giving me a nudge, and a wink,  prompting, "This is how it is done."  She was, after all, an expert. 

Happy birthday to my sweet brother!

xo

Affirmation

When my siblings and I were in the hospital with my mom, we quickly established a routine. We had the "morning shift" and the "night shift."  Three sisters were the morning shift that stayed with my mom during the day.  My two brothers and I were the night shift, that stayed with mom at night.  My sisters would leave in the late afternoon, and my brothers would eat dinner before settling in for the night. This sometimes gave me a half hour alone with my mother.  My mother would always be sleeping. I would sit quietly and watch her, or close my eyes and try to think peaceful thoughts. 

Jennifer, one of the many nurses we met while my mother was in the hospital, walked in one night to  check  my mom's  chart.  I was sitting in the chair at the foot of my mother's bed.  When the computer monitor lit up, I stole a quick glance at the screen, trying to glean more information about my mother's situation. But of course, I couldn't decipher anything.  And really, I didn't want to know. 

I returned to my breathing. I closed my eyes and thought about "calm" and "love," the two things I wanted for my mother.  Her heart was literally beating out of her chest. It was a very disturbing thing to see.  It made me more nervous than anything, having that visual reminder of why we were here. I was willing her heart to "calm down" and return to a regular, slower rhythm. And most of all, as we all wanted, I wanted my mom to  have no fear, no worry, about anything happening to her.  If the nurses or doctors started discussing her condition in front of her while she was sleeping, my siblings and I would quickly escort them out of ear shot.  We did not want mom to be bombarded with scary medical terms or situations. 

I sensed Jennifer move.  I opened my eyes and looked at her.  She shook her head.  I thought she was shaking her head sadly at this hopeless case before her. But she shook her head again and said, "I just feel...so much love."  I looked at her for awhile, waiting for an explanation. (my first thought was, "oh no, a quack...")  Jennifer continued, "I just feel so much love in this room." And here, she put her hand to her chest. I noticed that she was wearing a cross. 

I started to cry.  "It's my mom," I whispered "She just loves us so much."

Jennifer shook her  head again and looked up at the ceiling. "No, I feel it when y'all are in the room. There is so much love here."

I wiped my eyes, determined (again) not to cry in my mother's presence.  

"I like coming into this room. I like how it feels.  Some rooms, you walk in and....(here Jennifer swiped her hand through the air) nothing. There can be a whole family sitting in a patient's room and you'll feel nothing. It's so sad.  I like your family. We all can see that you love your mother very much, the way y'all have  come from all over to be with her, the way y'all interact with each other and how you are with your mom. But it's not just what we see." Jennifer paused and looked at my mother for a long time. "Here, there's a lot of love."

I thanked her, more for her message than any service that she was providing to my mother.  She walked off, whispering, "Let me know if you need anything...."

This is one of a few memories I have of my mom's last days that actually give me peace. This memory, and all my mom's love, is in my heart forever.
xo

Poem

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you  like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

--Mary Oliver

What I like to think of as a reward for my efforts

These past few weeks have been hard.  A real drain.  I have low energy, little interest in doing much of anything aside from the care and feeding of my children (barely), and sleep (yes, please and more).  I'm just painting the picture here. I'm really aware of it, and know the "warning signs" and all that.  No need for alarm,  or calls to the M.D.  I will be, and am, fine.  I'm so sad over my mother. The end.

So, getting the children outside to play?  Not my favorite thing to do lately.  But I do it every day.  I know that they need the fresh air. I know that, even though there is no visible sun in the sky, it is there. The babies benefit greatly from fresh air, sunshine and free play.  

This week has been particularly bleak and grey.  Today the little weather icon on my iPhone showed a frowny-faced cloud.  Okay, there really was no frowny-face, but there was a grey cloud. This again?  (sigh) After naps, I bundled everyone up and took them outside.  To distract myself, I snapped these photos:

Priscilla gives Gianna a kiss!

Gianna smiles in appreciation. They love each other.

And then, lo:  the sun appeared.

Bode driving a "snow prow"

He snow-plowed all over this pile of snow.

As Bode might say, "Hooray!" We stayed out for another 30 minutes, just to soak up the little bit of sun that graced our afternoon.

Today I noticed something. It was more like a slap in the face.  Priscilla is getting old. She has white hairs around her eyes and cheeks. I hate to even acknowledge it.  As if by even mentioning it, even thinking it, I've somehow cast a grey cloud over her.  

Oh P, please don't get old on me. I love you too much!

It makes me wonder about how she's handled Kelly's death, and the move.  I remember when Sasha died, Kelly aged so quickly, turning white almost overnight. I can't handle it.  So tomorrow I'm taking Priscilla to the salon for highlights and color. 

xo