Oh, Christmas tree...

There seems to be some concern (clears throat) about Bode Wm's need for Christmas decorations. I won't name any names (clears throat) (AUNT DAWNIE) but everyone can rest assured that Bode Wm knows that we are celebrating Christmas in Portland.  And we are doing Christmas-y things in our spare time (viewing Christmas lights, listening to Christmas music, reading Christmas stories (thank you Aunt Melinda!).

Yes, he's excited, and yes, he probably would feel better if  our whole house was a-blaze in lights a la Clark Griswold's house in Christmas Vacation. 

But that is not going to happen.

Remember his little "tree" that he brought home from school? We decorated it with scraps (really) around the house.  I removed a small strand of star garland from one of Gianna's school art projects and put it on the tree. I drew some stars and Christmas "lights" for Bode to color. Being the selfless and devoted mother I am, I even sacrificed my very latest issue of Bazaar, and cut it up (the tinsel portrait of Karl Lagerfeld's design team, a gold star necklace, a diamond bangle, etc.). (If RWF happens to look at the tree, he might think that I've done lost my mind and am dropping some really expensive hints.)  I actually taped the cut-outs to the tree using a roll of packing tape left by the movers. (Crafty! Martha's got nothing on me!)

We have a Charlie Brown tree in place.  It stands by its lonely self, mostly ignored by everyone, against the living room wall. It's not perfect, but it will do for now. 

Now everybody sing it with me: "Oh, Christmas tree. Oh, Christmas tree...."

xo

The brown-haired Grandma

December 8, 2011

When Bode and Gianna were little, my mom loved gifting them stuffed bears and other seasonal animals from the Build-A-Bear store.  Inside each one, she recorded a message, usually along the lines of, "Hi Bode! It's Grandma! I love you!"

When my mom died, one of the first things I thought of was these stuffed animals.  I knew that I could not bear to hear my mom's cheerful voice ringing through the playroom.  So I told RWF to please "get rid of" the stuffed animals.  He did by bagging them all up and sticking them in a closet.

One stuffed toy found its way out during our move. It was a Frosty the Snowman.  Frosty's hat plays a magical jingle (signifying when he comes to life) and lights up.  The children love it.  Frosty also has a recording of my mom, but I didn't remember until Bode pressed Frosty's hand. My mom's voice announced, "Merry Christmas, Bode! It's Grandma. I love you!"

As you can guess,  hearing my mom's voice jarred me.  It made me sad. I wanted to throw away Frosty immediately before Bode could play the recording again.

Bode looked surprise. Then he guffawed, "Grandma!"  He then turned to me and asked, "Which Grandma is it, the brown-haired Grandma or the white-haired Grandma?"

You guys. This question made me so happy.

The fact that he remembered my mom having brown hair*! He hasn't seen her in forever. And honestly, I have not talked about my mom in the last couple of years since she died.  It's too hard. When you have kids, I've discovered, you really want your parents to enjoy their grandchildren. And, you want your kids to enjoy their grandparents.  The fact that my children will never know my parents is something I will always regret.

Bode remembered that he has a brown-haired grandma. It makes me so happy. And one day, I'll be able to talk to him about my mom and tell him all about her.

Thank you, Bode, for taking a sad moment and turning it into a happy one.

And to our brown-haired Grandma: we love you.

Happy Monday, all.
xo

*as my sibs know, my mom didn't really have brown hair...but the color is close in Bode's eyes.

Over the river and through the woods

It feels like we are on one long journey these days, each a baby step. But we are getting there.  Here are a few photos from Thanksgiving, our packing days, and a nod to Christmas:

Andrew was such a sweetheart with Nico!

Driving to Grandma's (Dawn's)

The moving truck arrived in all its huge-ness.  The movers were great about packing quickly. It was almost too quick. It was hard for RWF and I to keep track of everything going on. And despite some written and verbal requests, some of our "save" pile got packed anyway.  Gianna's dolls, story books (except for a couple of random ones that happened to be in the car), and other stuff "needed" for our move was packed up before I even realized what was missing.

Bode and Gianna have been very emotional since the truck took our stuff away.  They are doing the best they can.  I'm taking the advice my brother gave me, trying to treat everything as an adventure.  We have made spontaneous trips to the store for bagels, helium-filled balloons, crayons, and to Starbuck's for treats galore.  When we happen to be out at dusk, I'll take a detour into a neighborhood that twinkles with Christmas lights.  

And that brings us to Christmas.  I obviously can not (or choose not to) decorate for Christmas.  We have been listening to Christmas music and driving around to see holiday lights.  On Thursday, when I picked Bode up from school, his teacher Miss Lynn reminded Bode to pick up his "special surprise."  And while he was under a set of stairs getting his surprise for me, Miss explained that Bode had found this "surprise" on their walk that morning and  had very carefully walked the whole way back to the school house, carrying this "surprise" in his arms.  She said that it took him a long time but he was determined to bring the "surprise" back with him.  When Bode emerged from the stairs, he held a branch from a pine tree. "Oh Bode, how wonderful!" I said.  I thought it was just another one of his sticks that he likes to bring home.  But he told me that he wanted us to have Christmas at our house, so he brought us this "tree" as a surprise.  He suggested that we decorate it and then it will be "Christmas in our house."  Well you can imagine how this made me feel (sad!).  I gave him a hug and told him that I loved his surprise, that it was so thoughtful of him to bring Christmas to our house. And when we got home, I insisted on taking this photo:

And of course, it wouldn't be Christmas without new Christmas pajamas!  Poor Nico doesn't have any yet.  I couldn't find any in his size that I like.

We are trying to maintain normalcy around here as much as we can with all of our "stuff" gone.  We are keeping routines, like school, gymnastics, and swimming for Bode and Gianna, and bedtime stories for all.

This is our last week here.  I have a million and one things to do, and yet really, nothing to do.  The contents of our life are on their way to Portland.  All I have to do is say goodbye this week.  It is not as easy as it sounds. Bode and Gianna have one last week of school. We will gift our teachers, our vet, and our baby sitter, saying thank you for making our lives better here. And then we will say goodbye one last time.

Goodbye, goodbye. 

xo

Moving

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving with our New York family...who will soon really be just our family living in New York...as we will not be....

Okay. See the above ramble? Does this make any sense? This is how I've been talking lately:  wildly long-winded, confusing, fragmented, emotional/dramatic.

We are moving.

There. I said it.

It has been so difficult to talk about the move.  When I 'fessed up to Bode and Gianna's teachers over a month ago (yes), I rambled so much that Bode's teacher looked completely perplexed.  And when I  (finally) finished my long winded narrative with the simple, declarative, "We are moving,"  she actually looked relieved, like, "Oh! Finally! I understand!"  With Gianna's teacher, I walked up to her and couldn't even speak. She could see the emotions all over my face. Luckily, Miss Amy is a dear one, and treated me much  like her 3 year old charges. She gave me a big hug, sat me down on a nearby bench, and told me to tell her everything.  I told her everything,  tears brimming, while she nodded sympathetically and rubbed my back. We both cried.

Sigh.

There is so much I have come to love about here, that I am going to miss so much.

And everything is just moving so fast.  

I have had a really difficult time talking about it (see above).

Today, the movers came and packed up our house in record time.  They arrived at 7:30 and left at 1:30.  They still have a lot to do, but they got the majority of our precious life belongings stuff boxed up and ready to go.  Tomorrow, they will  return to find that I have opened 3 boxes, removed the contents of 2 boxes, and have added a considerable amount of stuff, in piles, to be boxed (things I thought I'd donate/toss, but emotion prevailed).

Since we have begun this move discussion with the children, we have made a conscious effort to be very slow, very forgiving, very informative about life these days, what we are doing and what is happening (and not happening).  But today, when they came home and saw our walls lined with boxes, it must have overwhelmed them. Oh, so this is what it means, I can imagine them thinking. But what can they understand, really? We've tried to talk about things from moving our stuff in a big truck to flying in an airplane. But they won't get it all ("moving") in one piece. It will be a long process for them. So we are trying to take it slowly and explain everything. Sometimes we have to have the same  Q&A each time we do something. But that's okay. I can't imagine how this must seem to them, when I am so emotional and confused myself.

This afternoon, Gianna was incredibly screechy and moved to tears over seemingly random things.  Bode, since Thanksgiving, has been very quiet, off to himself, but then also squishy about hugs and love. He will announce, "I want a hug," and come over to me for one.  

This morning, Bode asked me what he was made of and I drew a blank. "Um,  you're made of...Bode." I answered as I buttered his toast, and thought about the million-and-one things I needed to do before the movers arrived.  "I don't want to be made of Bode!" he sputtered. "I want to be made of love!"  I dropped the knife and ran over to him, "Oh honey, of course you are! You are, you are, you are! You are made of love! Absolutely!" We hugged, sitting on the kitchen floor for a long time while I repeated, "You ARE made of love. You are, you are..." When he was convinced of my answer, he asked me what love is made of.  I told him that it is a golden, twinkly light that shines all around us and lives in us. "Is it weak, or is it strong?" he asked.  I thought about this, and then answered, "It is gentle, like when you are sad and you get a hug. It is soft, like when you are sleepy and cozy in your bed."  Then I thought of my mom and a recent dream I had, and added, "But it is also strong. So strong that you feel like it could knock you down. It is like a waterfall, just pouring over you."

I have to remember to love these babies, love RWF, and love myself through this.

The deets:

We are moving to Portland, Oregon.

We are moving soon.

We have a rental house.

We have a school. 

We are excited, nervous, hopeful and...sad. 

More details later.
Happy week to all.
xo

Halloween

3...2...1...

Cinderelly

Bode and Gianna had their very first experience trick-or-treating last night.

The babies were quiet with anticipation as we drove to a nearby neighborhood.  On the drive over, I explained to them how houses are either lit up for Halloween, or they are dark, depending on whether the people in the house wish to give out candy.  It was pouring down rain and windy.  We had a full day of school, doctor appointments, and other errands. We were driving home from the pediatrician at 5:30, and all I wanted to do was put everyone to bed.  Instead, we raced home, ate a quick bite and then headed out again (because I had promised Bode and Gianna we would trick-or-treat!).

At just 6 PM, it was so dark and heavy rain splashed down on our windshield, making it so hard for me to see.  I parked at the first decorated, fully lit house we saw.  At first, I thought I'd keep Nico in the car and just go to the one house.  But as I was about to walk up to the house, I saw other houses were lit up close by.  So I got the stroller out, and put Nico in.  I had to call Gianna back, because she was already making the walk up to the house.  A group of teenage (?) boys, all in black and with no discernible costume among them, was crowding the porch.  "Let's let them go first," I cautioned. Within seconds, the boys were trotting off, but then they slowed to a stop in front of Bode.

"Whoah. That is so cool."

"Do you see his costume? He's an astronaut!"

"Check out his helmet!"

"You've got the coolest costume ever!"

These were genuine compliments. "Thank you," came Bode's muffled reply. (He insisted on keeping the visor down!)

Gianna then took off boldly, plastic pumpkin out in front of her, in search of the candy. I watched as she put her hand up to steady her crown as she stepped up to the porch.  Only then did she turn back to see if we were behind her.

Two girls answered the door and deposited a handful of candy in each pumpkin.  Two heads bent down to look inside their pumpkins and each baby said, "Thank you!" and then slowly shuffled down the path, eyeing their candy the whole time.

The next house had a single porch light, and not a single Halloween decoration on display.  Gianna moved forward, but Bode hung back.

"Wait!" he wailed "There's no light on. There's nobody there!"

I gazed at the yellow porch light and then turned to Bode. "Yes, the light is on. Let's just go see."

And of course, someone answered the door and gave the children candy.

Nico was so quiet as we strolled (so slowly...) through the rain.  Gianna was looking a bit tired, if not bedraggled, by her rainy pilgrimage for candy. At one point, she stepped on the train of her dress and there was an audible rip.  There was a pause, and then she said, "That's okay." The rain was coming down sideways, so my umbrella was not much use to Nico, or any of us. I felt like such a jerk, dragging my baby through the rain-filled street.  I told myself that we would visit 4 houses total, and no more.

I think that the babies would have easily continued trick-or-treating, if I had not suggested that we go home and watch the traditional Charlie Brown cartoon.

Post-trick-or-treat

We got home, changed immediately into warm jammies and watched a show.  They got 1 piece of candy to eat, after I had searched the contents of their pumpkins. Curious to know what each child picked? Gianna picked peanut M&Ms. Bode picked a Twix.  The rest of the candy (8 pieces total, each) was put back into their pumpkins and up on the counter. 

It was a successful, soaking wet, trick or treating adventure.  They both woke up this morning and put on their costumes. Today, I'm going to propose that they leave their candy out for the Switch Witch. I hope that it works...I'm craving chocolate!

This month has been the worst.  It has been full of ups, downs, worry, heartache and hurts. I usually love October and Halloween, but this year, I'm ready to say goodbye.

Happy November...let's hope that it's better this month.

xo

Knock, knock

I think I've kept my feelings undercover here. But I must confess I have been down for so long. And I have been a terrible mother this past year because of my mood(s). This week, despite a solid month of sleep deprivation (!), I have felt joy around my children. It's hard to explain (and embarrassing) to admit that I've been down, when I have these wonderful babies to live with and love. But I have not been myself. But recently, I have gotten glimpses of my old self and how I used to just enjoy simply "being" with my children. I have felt lighter, more present, and more playful. The fog lifted a little this week, and it made me so happy and thankful!

Who's there? Mr. Funny Guy, that's who.

Kindergarten has opened a lot of doors for Bode...physically (he's soooo active and physical) and emotionally (he is needy/tearful...perhaps it's hard for him, this stretching to be a big boy at school, so when he comes home, he needs extra love and attention?).  And, he is just funny! This morning, he decided he was a volcano as he dressed into a t-shirt ("I'm....erupting!" he shouted as he pushed his head through the neck hole). He has also discovered knock-knock jokes. It started this morning at breakfast, when he announced, "Knock-knock..." And when I asked, "who's there?" he was so delighted! "How did you know!" he demanded, surprised that I knew this joke. All through breakfast, we exchanged knock-knock jokes. It made us both happy, as if we were speaking a secret language. BTW, I was worried about knowing knock-knock jokes, and immediately reached for my phone to Google "knock-knock jokes for 5 year olds" but stopped and made up my own. As I suspected, no, they don't need to make any sense right now for Bode to laugh.

Pumpkin

Gianna is a combination of absolute sweet-babyness and absolute sass...which I guess is pretty normal for a 3 year old?  She is so excited for Halloween. We have her costume all set. Spoiler alert: store-bought and completely unoriginal (but she is thrilled). I hope (fingers crossed) that we can go trick-or-treating this year. It seems like something always happens to prevent the fun!  Gianna is loving the word, "No" lately and I'm having to curtail my automatic Mother-is-always-right response of "What did you say?"  I have learned that with her, it is sometimes better to just let her say "No," and work around it.  She is having a lot of fun at  school. She enjoys her girlfriends, Ava, Ann-Sophie, and Katie. She sees Ann-Sophie at gymnastics, too, so they have a closer relationship. I am amazed at how "girly" Gianna is, and how it is just...innate. She loves dressing up, all things pink, and her babies. She has also taken more interest in Nico, wanting to feed him, give him his baba, and giving him hugs.

No sleep, but who can resist this face?

Nico is doing good, despite a horrible, erratic sleep "schedule" (or no "schedule" really), teething, and challenges with dairy (that I wrote about earlier). We are now giving him almond milk, on the advice of a nurse. The goat milk was just not getting drunk. He was drinking 2-4 oz a day. He is supposed to be drinking 16-24 oz a day! So I was starting to panic, thinking he was becoming malnourished. The nurse assured me that he was not malnourished but suggested that we try almond milk. Almond milk is sweeter, and Nico is now drinking 10 oz a day. He is still not really taking a bottle or sippy cup. Baby steps! All I can do is offer and then smile, when he violently throws the baba to the ground. I have found the easiest way to get him to drink is to give it to him while we are in the car. Maybe the reclined position of the car seat and lack of anything better to do helps? He  is teething, and he is sick, so sleep has been in small increments. It is maddening, but I just remind myself that he is not feeling good. Still, it is so hard for me to get up 2-3times a night, and then be up by 7 am and be pleasant to the rest of my family! As my friend Kristi reminded me, sleep deprivation is a form of torture.  (amen!) 

Yesterday, in a fit of good cheer, I proposed that we make pumpkin bread.  We actually looked around and found a recipe for pumpkin chocolate chip muffins that sounded yummy. So we made that (and a big mess...but it was worth it).  It has been a long time since I baked with my babies. We had fun.  I didn't mind when they skeedaddled, leaving me to clean up the batter dripped on the counter and the flour over everything. The pumpkin chocolate chip muffins are delicious! I highly recommend them, especially with a strong cup of coffee (obviously not the coffee for the babies). 

After a lame dinner of chicken breasts, steamed rice and broccoli, it was time for swimming. I was so nervous because it was going to be my first time taking all 3 babies out at night, to the Y so that Bode and Gianna could take their swim lessons.  I got everyone into the car on time and then I went up to the door to grab my jacket and hit the garage door opener.  The garage door started opening with a long, high pitched squeal....and then it stopped halfway.  I hit it again. The garage door went down. I hit again. The garage door squealed its high pitched noise and stopped halfway again.  I did this a few more times.  What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result.  Well finally, Bode yelled from the backseat, "Mom! I know what you can do! You can call somebody!"  Hmm. Great idea, Bode. But really, there was nobody to call.  I stood there and hit the button one more time. No go, joe.  So I walked down to the car and admitted defeat. I sadly told them that we would not make it to swimming tonight. I was worried, because they love swimming with a passion, and looked forward to it all day.  But they were okay. They got out of the car easily enough (well, after I promised that they could watch a show in lieu of swimming).   So we were stuck at home last night.  So, another issue to deal with tomorrow....

I am happy that it is the weekend. RWF and I have a date afternoon planned (though I would love to take the 3 hours for a sitter and use it for just sleeping!), and hopefully we will carve pumpkins.

Happy weekend.

xo

Perspective

Life has been so crazy lately.  I keep thinking, "This is my life," when I get discouraged about the constant running around, meal prep, messiness, the teething, etc.  And then I think, "This is not my life," when I get discouraged about the constant running around, meal prep, messiness, the teething, etc. It just depends on my mood, I guess. I have not been getting a lot of sleep lately. Nico has had a full month of erratic sleep (waking all hours, teething, sick, etc.). And then there is the usual business of life and all its fun stuff thrown our way...some of which, I won't even address here. So usually by Thursday, I'm in tears.

My constant refrain has  been, "I'm so tired."  The other night, when RWF asked me how I was, I started to say, "I'm so (tired)..." but before I could finish, he started laughing. He said that if I were a Chatty Cathy doll and you pulled my string, I would whine, "I'm so tired!" or "I don't know what to make for dinner!" or "Nico is not sleeping!"  He was laughing but I wasn't. I know that he is trying to make light of our situation. But it really made me stop and think.

I need to change myself. I need to stop focusing on my lack of sleep and make the most of what sleep I do get. I need to be happy that we are healthy. I need to be happy that we are all together.

It's all perspective, right?

So here is where we are at:

Nico tried milk a couple of weeks ago.  BIG MISTAKE.  He was so miserable, constantly crying (so unlike him), arching his back (gassy), diarrhea (TMI, sorry) and no sleep. It was awful (understatement).  And now, we're trying goat's milk which is much better. But he doesn't want to drink from a bottle or a sippy cup. I think the dairy may have scarred him for life. I hope not. 

The thing is, I am so ready to wean Nico. So his resistance to all bottles and sippy cups is very discouraging for me. That, and the fact that he is getting up 2-3 times a night is downright frustrating. This will pass...right?

He is happier now that the dairy has left  his system. He continues to stand and now walks with the aid of his toys.  

He is also currently teething.  Two top teeth are breaking in.

Priscilla had a biopsy on 2 separate areas of her body a couple of weeks ago. Luckily it all came back benign.   We have a wonderful vet. She even gave P a holiday bandage, which I loved (even though my heart breaks thinking about P in pain):

Bode and Gianna continue to do well in school.  Gianna loves dressing up for school (and carrying her Hello Kitty purse everywhere!).  Bode continues to not care about clothes but lives and breathes for the times he can play with his cars and planes!

They have even learned some simple spelling (just kidding!):

RWF rode a century last weekend!

All is well, all is well....

Happy week.

xo

Birthday boy

At long last (!) here are the 103, 478 pictures I took of Bode's birthday. In no particular order (because I am lazy busy):

I did not decorate with all the super heroes, Cars characters, Planes characters, etc.  I did have a Buzz Lightyear/Woody cake (per Bode's request), some character balloons, and I gift wrapped the presents in all the characters. Bode seemed pleased.

Aunt Debbie, Aunt Dawnie, Uncle Craig and SPECIAL GUEST STAR Andrew attended Bode's party.  Grandma could not make it because she was sick.

Special guest star! Andrew!

 Even though it was Bode's birthday, Gianna got a special Hello Kitty purse, packed with all kinds of special Hello Kitty accessories like lip gloss ("lips" as Gianna calls it), erasers, notepad and stickers, etc.
She also got a ton of dresses ("pretty dresses" Gianna would say) from Grandma.  And let me tell you, Gianna wasted no time putting her purse to use (even though Andrew did seem rather fond of it). And the next week, Gianna wore all her new dresses to school.

Nico also received a bunch of presents from everyone for his first birthday.

We put on some 70s music and watched in amazement as Nico busted a move:

Just kidding. This photo just looks like he is dancing. He is actually a little wobbly getting into a standing position. Still, his aunts were impressed.

Aunt Dawnie was chief present opener while we all watched. ;) I'm sure that her hands were tired from all the cardboard, zip ties and cellophane she had to open!

In the end, I asked Dawn to put down her birthday-package-opening scissors and to take a family photo of us.  This was the best one! Ha!  

But you know what? I like them all, even the ones where I am scowling while Nico is crying...because it just shows how messy and chaotic our lives sometimes are with three little monkeys.  I'm sure I'll look back on these photos with great fondness and think, "Those were the days!"Just like now, I look back on these five (5!) years with Bode and get smushy and weepy. Those were the days!  I can't believe my baby is a big 5 year old. There will be more good days to come, I'm sure.
Happy 5th Birthday to my happy little guy.
xo

Hello again, hello...

Fall is here! It is my favorite season. I love nothing more than the changing colors and temperatures of Fall but even I have had a hard time stopping to appreciate the change in season.  It has been a busy time. We've had surgery (Priscilla), 2 sick children (Nico and Bode), broken eye glasses (mine, thank you Nicholas!), a leak in our roof, a broken toilet, and other assorted "fun" stuff occur since the start of October.  

The best was the kick-off to October, which is Master Bode William's birthday. Bode did have a wonderful birthday. He loves being 5! He is a boy now. I need to post about Bode's birthday, and will do so soon. Brace yourselves, I took a ton of photos!  

Happy weekend.
xo