Moving

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving with our New York family...who will soon really be just our family living in New York...as we will not be....

Okay. See the above ramble? Does this make any sense? This is how I've been talking lately:  wildly long-winded, confusing, fragmented, emotional/dramatic.

We are moving.

There. I said it.

It has been so difficult to talk about the move.  When I 'fessed up to Bode and Gianna's teachers over a month ago (yes), I rambled so much that Bode's teacher looked completely perplexed.  And when I  (finally) finished my long winded narrative with the simple, declarative, "We are moving,"  she actually looked relieved, like, "Oh! Finally! I understand!"  With Gianna's teacher, I walked up to her and couldn't even speak. She could see the emotions all over my face. Luckily, Miss Amy is a dear one, and treated me much  like her 3 year old charges. She gave me a big hug, sat me down on a nearby bench, and told me to tell her everything.  I told her everything,  tears brimming, while she nodded sympathetically and rubbed my back. We both cried.

Sigh.

There is so much I have come to love about here, that I am going to miss so much.

And everything is just moving so fast.  

I have had a really difficult time talking about it (see above).

Today, the movers came and packed up our house in record time.  They arrived at 7:30 and left at 1:30.  They still have a lot to do, but they got the majority of our precious life belongings stuff boxed up and ready to go.  Tomorrow, they will  return to find that I have opened 3 boxes, removed the contents of 2 boxes, and have added a considerable amount of stuff, in piles, to be boxed (things I thought I'd donate/toss, but emotion prevailed).

Since we have begun this move discussion with the children, we have made a conscious effort to be very slow, very forgiving, very informative about life these days, what we are doing and what is happening (and not happening).  But today, when they came home and saw our walls lined with boxes, it must have overwhelmed them. Oh, so this is what it means, I can imagine them thinking. But what can they understand, really? We've tried to talk about things from moving our stuff in a big truck to flying in an airplane. But they won't get it all ("moving") in one piece. It will be a long process for them. So we are trying to take it slowly and explain everything. Sometimes we have to have the same  Q&A each time we do something. But that's okay. I can't imagine how this must seem to them, when I am so emotional and confused myself.

This afternoon, Gianna was incredibly screechy and moved to tears over seemingly random things.  Bode, since Thanksgiving, has been very quiet, off to himself, but then also squishy about hugs and love. He will announce, "I want a hug," and come over to me for one.  

This morning, Bode asked me what he was made of and I drew a blank. "Um,  you're made of...Bode." I answered as I buttered his toast, and thought about the million-and-one things I needed to do before the movers arrived.  "I don't want to be made of Bode!" he sputtered. "I want to be made of love!"  I dropped the knife and ran over to him, "Oh honey, of course you are! You are, you are, you are! You are made of love! Absolutely!" We hugged, sitting on the kitchen floor for a long time while I repeated, "You ARE made of love. You are, you are..." When he was convinced of my answer, he asked me what love is made of.  I told him that it is a golden, twinkly light that shines all around us and lives in us. "Is it weak, or is it strong?" he asked.  I thought about this, and then answered, "It is gentle, like when you are sad and you get a hug. It is soft, like when you are sleepy and cozy in your bed."  Then I thought of my mom and a recent dream I had, and added, "But it is also strong. So strong that you feel like it could knock you down. It is like a waterfall, just pouring over you."

I have to remember to love these babies, love RWF, and love myself through this.

The deets:

We are moving to Portland, Oregon.

We are moving soon.

We have a rental house.

We have a school. 

We are excited, nervous, hopeful and...sad. 

More details later.
Happy week to all.
xo

Growing, growing...

February 2012

Bode is a big boy. I have to remind myself of this all the time. Every day is a challenge. I still see him as a little guy. I don't understand when he contradicts me or doesn't want to do as I say. Who is this big boy with a mind of his own? Who is this big boy who wants to do everything by himself?

Thursday morning, Bode put on a pair of pants and they were high-waters.  I laughed and laughed.  He looked at me, puzzled.  I felt bad and then explained that he had a growth spurt.  I then had to explain a "growth spurt" in a non-frightening way. I also had him try on some other pants just to make sure and yeah, he's bigger.  He is now in a size 6.  Yikes.  I can't keep up. 

Yesterday he went to a birthday party for a school friend. Rylan has been a good friend to Bode since starting Kindergarten together.  They've had play dates, and share similar interests (space! Cars! etc.). Rylan is such a gentle, sweet boy and I am happy that they are friends. Rylan is always looking for Bode, shouting, "Bode! I'm so glad that you're here!" Some of the other boys in Kindergarten are very rough & tumble, and I can see the "mean-spiritedness" or should I say, "mischievousness," coming out in them already.  So I am enjoying this sweet friend of Bode's. Yesterday's party was wonderful, the perfect testament that Rylan is indeed a loving friend who has a wonderful, nurturing family. And I so enjoyed being a witness to it, to watching Bode as he took it all in, quietly, hand-in-hand with his friend Rylan.

This morning, I went through Bode's closet with him, having him try on clothes.  I sorted the clothes into two piles: clothes he can still wear and clothes to put away for Nico.  Every time  he changed out of a pair of try-ons, I'd tickle him.  I made him laugh so hard while he squirmed around on the floor.  I tickled him on purpose, to capture another (precious) moment of just me and my "little" boy...the one who still wants to be tickled by his mommy...for right now, at least.

xo

Lately

We are still here.  

Last week, I felt like I was losing my mind.  It's been hard, these past few weeks, with a lot going on.  I've been telling RWF all summer, "I need a break." Well my break finally came. The babies spent two nights at "Camp Dawnie" where they enjoyed oodles of attention from Uncle Craig, Aunt Dawnie, Aunt Debbie and Grandma. They went to the zoo, out for breakfast, to the park, etc.  I think they also enjoyed sugary snacks and TV.  Awh, camp! They had a blast and smile every time I ask them, "Did you have fun?" As for me, I missed them like crazy. I was tearful, and thinking about them constantly. The house was too quiet. There were many moments when I considered just packing Nico up and driving over to Syracuse to pick up my other two babies. But then I told myself that this break was very much needed, and I would probably not get another chance for "alone" time, as school is starting soon.  So I tried to tolerate the quiet and missing my children. I think Nico enjoyed "only child" status, but he is thrilled to have his sibs back.

I have some anxiety about school.  I'm so glad that Bode is going to a private school right now.  Today we drove by the public elementary school that he would attend, and it looked huge. I can only imagine that the class size is as enormous as the school.  Afterwards, we went to the park (attached to the school) and the children played on the playground while I watched, standing beside Nico (in his stroller).  Bode and Gianna were up on a slide structure, high up.  And as I looked at them, I saw this boy push Bode.  I blinked.  I thought, "Surely I did not just see that kid push my son."  But yeah, he pushed him. He pushed him again. This boy was Bode's size, so I don't think he was older (does it matter? No.). Bode just stood there, and kind of looked at him.  I could tell Bode didn't know what to do, and wouldn't do anything to challenge this kid. Then this boy pushed Gianna.  And after he pushed her, he stood behind her, wrapped his arms around her and picked her up.  He stood there, with his arms wrapped around her, lifting her...what he was going to do, I don't know. Gianna was rigid in this boys arms, her feet not touching the ground. She didn't say anything but her eyes were looking around, looking for help.  "HEY!" I yelled and ran over there. I climbed the structure and got real close to him. "HEY! LET GO OF HER NOW."  I nearly ripped his head off. I was thisclose to becoming physical with this kid. I could NOT believe what I was seeing and my blood was boiling.  He stood there and looked at me.  He didn't blink.  But I could see a ripple of attention behind his face.  I took a breath (I was seriously about to LOSE IT) and  sharply hissed, "Don't ever do that again.  Not to her. Not to him. Not to anyone."  And then I remembered my children. They were staring at me, scared.  I said, more calmly, "We don't push. It's not nice. Someone could get hurt. Especially up here."   Bode found his voice, and echoed, "Yeah, we don't push."  Gianna repeated, "Yeah, we don't push." The boy still stood his ground, as if to let me know that he wasn't impressed. I turned around, and found the boy's mother, her face hidden behind huge sunglasses, tucked into her iPhone, oblivious.  "Hey!" I yelled, "Your son just pushed my children!"  She looked up, and weakly called toward him, "Don't do that!"  The boy ran over to her. They had a brief exchange, and then  he was off again. I stood there, my whole body shaking.  How in the world do I release my children to this?  I know that I can't control everything and everyone. I know that my children can't live in a bubble. But the idea that my children are going to be subjected to mean behavior, to this....oh, it rattles me. 

As for the rest of the summer (we still have over 2 weeks until school starts), I don't know.  I will try to pack in some more park days (hopefully without mean behavior), gardening, farmer's market trips, etc.I guess we will just enjoy the schedule-free time that we have right now.  

Happy Wednesday.

xo

Downtown

Saturday morning, Gianna got up, put on her fluffiest pink dress, went downstairs and told RWF, "I want to go downtown, Daddy."  So away we went.  This time of year, downtown is a zoo with people visiting for the race track and other things. Luckily, it wasn't too crowded.

DOWNTOWN! (sing it a la Petula Clark)

We had parked near an ice cream store, and the two monkeys had noticed, shouting, "Ice cream! Ice cream, Mommy, ice cream!" as if I wasn't aware of the place when we pulled into our spot.  I may or may not have said something snarky to RWF, about how had I been driving and not RWF, I would have driven around until I found a spot NOT in front of an ice cream store. We ignored their pleas for ice cream, instead suggesting that we walk downtown.

We walked around for a bit, noticing a couple of new restaurants (hooray!) and then walked over to Starbucks so that I could get a coffee.

So after I took care of myself (ha!), I whispered to RWF, "Whaddya think, should we treat them to an ice cream? They've been so good."  Of course, RWF agreed.  So we headed out of Starbucks, intending to surprise Bode and Gianna with ice cream.

Before we left Starbucks, Bode insisted that he was thirsty.  So I asked the barista for a cup of ice water.  I gave him the ice water and started off.  

But.

Gianna started whining that she was thirsty, too. I looked over at the bar. Of course, there was  a line of people waiting for their coffee drinks and the two baristas were banging them out as quickly as possible. I didn't want to bother them again for water.  So I asked Bode to share his water.  Well of course, he acted like I had just asked him to give all the toys on the planet to his sister. He shrieked, "NO!" and kept walking away from us. I finally grabbed the water from him and gave it to Gianna, insisting "Share!"  Of course, once Gianna had the ice water in her hot little hands, she wouldn't give it up.  Bode got mad and pushed a chair over.  Yes. He did.  I was horrified at this act of anger.  (More on that later!)  I told him to right the chair and step out of Starbucks immediately.  He started crying and didn't want to do anything with the chair.  So I picked the chair up and grabbing his hand, walked him out of Starbucks where I could lecture him properly.  (Hindsight...I realize that I should have just asked for 2 cups of ice water the first time around!)

Let's just say, neither RWF nor I wanted to "treat" them to ice cream afterwards.  And they knew it. They whined the whole time we walked toward our car.  Everyone, except Nico, was grumpy.  

We got to the ice cream place and we relented on the ice cream. Why not reward bad behavior with ice cream?!! I think that I was hoping that ice cream would put everyone in a better mood.  The truth is, RWF and I were snippy and angry with each other. Neither of us had gotten a good night's sleep (up 4 times with Sir Nicholas, for one thing) and we both have a lot on our minds. Neither of us felt like dealing with parenting whiney toddlers.  

Lefty

Righty

Bode and Gianna cheered up (and quieted down) after they got ice cream.  RWF and I watched them silently. Finally, after about 20 minutes of watching Bode and Gianna smiling and enjoying themselves, RWF and I softened.  Eventually, we all made peace with each other. And so it is with parenting, right?  You just have to plug along, no matter how little energy or patience you have,  you have to be the adult and you have to be a "team" with your partner. I'm learning, little by little.  But, if you're a parent, you know that things are always changing. So once you've got one thing figured out, something new comes along.  And so it is with Bode.  I'm having a really hard time with him lately. I'll share more in another post.

Happy weekend.

xo

PSA: The brothers McGee

The following is a PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT for the people of Upstate New York:

Here are Cheeksy and Eyelashes McGee, two brothers that are fun, happy, charming and...dangerous.  Not a lot is known about them, but here are a few interesting tidbits about these two:

Cheeksy is the older of the two.  He is called "Cheeksy" because of his big smile. When he was a baby, he'd smile so big, all you'd see were cheeks ("Cheeksy").  He is a happy guy, and loves cars and to run around. These days, he is often seen riding his bike at full speed.  He is full of energy, and can be heard singing or shouting (happily). He is very intelligent, and will argue a point with you until he wears you down. He loves his brother, and will defend him in anything.  He calls his brother by these other names: "Neek" (rhymes with "cheek") and "Bobby Builder" (origin of this name is unknown, but Cheeksy is said to have called his brother this name since Eyelashes's birth). 

Eyelashes is the baby brother, but don't let his age fool you. This guy is quite the charmer, and can get what he wants with his smile, grunting, or yes, by batting his ultra-long eyelashes.  The eyelashes are quite disarming, because you don't see them right off.  But if he moves his head just so, BAM! there they are, and passerby are struck by the length of his blonde lashes (hence, "Eyelashes" or "Lashes").  It has been reported that when he was just 3 months old, his aunt came from Texas to meet him, and upon seeing his profile in the car, said, "All I see are eyelashes." To express his disapproval, Lashes will blow raspberries.  Eyelashes doesn't say much, but that does not stop him from taking what he wants.  He will even go as far as to cry to get what  he wants.  You have been warned!

People are warned to not engage in direct eye contact with these brothers.  If Cheeksy or Lashes starts to smile, please look away! Associating with these two brothers has resulted in loss of Goldfish crackers, sweets, water (due to frequent baths or swimming pool fun), and loss of energy (due to pushing them on swings and endless rounds of "Peek-a-boo"). 

It is important for the public to know that they do not usually dress alike. Do not be lulled into a false sense of security, thinking that you will see these two coming because they stand out in their matching outfits. They will disarm you with their smiling, happy faces and you will never even notice what they are wearing!

The brothers also have a sister, who has her own charms about her. She is kind of bossy, in a sweet way. She may in fact be the "mastermind" behind the whole crew. She is known for her pink outfits and messy hair. She is not a fan of the hairbrush, and so may sport a rather messy hairdo, despite being "girly." She has several aliases. Some of them are:  "Cakes" (or, "Babycakes"), "G" (when she is particularly sassy around her father), or "The MiaGia." Her mother has tried to call her by her given name, Mia, for years, with no success. A separate report will follow when more is learned on the female sibling of the Brothers McGee.

END OF PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.

xo

Race day

Bode and Gianna, after the race

For the past 4 months, I've been working on the race committee for the Emma Foundation 5K and Kids Run, which is hosted by Bode's school.  Volunteering is important to me and to RWF, and so when the request came out for volunteers, I took it as a sign that it was time for me to roll up my sleeves and help. I also volunteered in order to meet more people, and to 'stretch' out of my comfort zone.  When I signed on, I had no idea how much I would be stretched!  It was not easy to do this gig with a 7 month old, and two toddlers.  And my respect for working parents grew once more. In addition to attending weekly meetings and posting advertisements, I was given the task of asking for sponsorships ($). Asking people (companies) for money made me very uncomfortable!  I wouldn't say that I was a complete success, but I did get a few companies on board to help us.  So it did stretch me, and I am glad that I did it. It also helped that RWF was very supportive of me volunteering, and did what he could to help me attend the meetings.  (Thanks, RWF!)

I was especially happy today, watching everything come to fruition. I've run in many races, but I've never been behind-the-scenes. It was great to see all of our hard work being enjoyed by so many children and adults.

Nico, not a runner, but sporting a very dangerous looking scratch

The best part of course was when my little family showed up. I was working the children's registration table, and when I saw my husband rolling up with my baby and two toddlers in tow, I left my post, and ran off to greet them! Everyone in our family was registered to run, but nobody did (because of timing issues - hello, we do have a 7 month old baby!).  But we supported the run by just showing up! Bode and Gianna wore their race shirts all day.

Later in the afternoon, Bode and I went to Starbucks together.  Downtown was packed with people walking around.  At one point, Bode hopped on a garden inset, and walked its curb. While I was watching him,  he bent over to pick up a cigarette butt.  I SCREAMED and smacked the gross garbage out of his hand.  My reaction was so violent, I  think everyone in a 5 foot radius of us stopped and looked. Bode's face crumpled, and reddened, as he started to cry.  I hugged him, and tried to explain why I had done that (and spoke loud enough for concerned passerby to understand that I didn't just randomly smack my child!). I felt terrible, but I was more horrified that he had picked up something that had been in someone's mouth and on the ground. ICK.  I made him promise that he'd never do it again, which he did. (I am still grossed out about it.)

Tonight RWF and I have a date! I am so excited. We have no plans. And as we have just discovered, Saratoga is mobbed for the Preakness and graduation, so we might just be out of luck on an actual restaurant dinner date!

Happy Saturday.

xo

Mother's Day Tea (and a warning)

Today Bode's class had a tea for all of us mothers. It was very, very sweet.  I was late, of course, due to feeding Nico and trying to squeeze just one errand into the morning before setting off for Bode's school. We walked in, and everyone was seated in a circle. Bode yelled, "Oh! There's my mommy!" and that made everyone chuckle. I quickly sat down beside Bode with Nico in my arms.  Gianna had already parked herself next to her BFF and future preschool teacher, Miss Amy.

The children sang their "morning song" and then we all sat for tea and scones. Scones are Bode's favorite treat, and I knew that he was just eyeing the number of scones on that platter the whole time!

After we had our tea, the children presented us with handmade cards. We made small talk around the table.  Or, I tried to make small talk but I had to keep my eye on Nicholas, who was seated on the round rug in the center of the room.  At one point, he made a grunt, and I walked over to check on him.  Well!  He had a little Mother's Day surprise for me, too! Let me just say that this was not a one wipe job.  He was soaked through, and I was completely ill prepared.  The fact that he had an explosive poop was embarrassing enough. The fact that the poop went through his pants and I didn't have a spare pair was mor.ti.fy.ing.  Mother of the Year?  I think not. Amateur of the year? Yes. 

I cleaned him (and myself) up as best as I could.  Then we went back to the festivities and I tried to reclaim my composure.  But one of the teachers whispered, "We don't choose when or where we go, Mom."  Wink, wink.

Ugh.

That isn't why I am writing today though.  Something more disturbing happened today.  Something that has creeped into my brain and has haunted me for the rest of the afternoon.

At the tea, someone mentioned, "...graduating from preschool."  And at first, my response was, "Oh, yeah. This school year went by fast. Only 3 more weeks...blah blah blah..."  But then I thought, "Wait.A.Sec. Graduating from preschool? Yes, Bode is graduating from preschool. Oh MY GAWD. MY BAYBEEE!"

It is so depressing for me to think of how fast this goes. When Bode was a baby, I used to hate (and inwardly roll my eyes at) the All Knowing People who used to smirk, or direly warn, "It goes by so fast."  And I knew...I really did...I knew that it would go by fast. I mean, not having lived it before, I didn't know. But I knew to appreciate it all. I really did. I wanted Bode (and all my babies) so much. That of course,  meant that every little millisecond with this baby, Bode William, was (is) precious. 

And now here he is. This baby. This boy. This almost-5-year-old boy who is graduating preschool and going to Kindergarten.

Bode Wm, you are my first love, the first one who made me a mother. I love you so much! It breaks my heart that you are growing up so quickly. But I am so very proud of the young boy that you are, and will love and appreciate every day that we share together. And I must warn you:  I will probably cry at your preschool graduation!

xo

First...shorts!

Today it is 66 degrees.  We have sunshine, people!  While Gianna naps, Nico and Bode are playing in the newly-cleaned (by moi) playroom.  I took shots of Nico and Bode, both wearing new summer shorts.  But Bode was so focused on his cars that he refused to pose for the camera. Gosh, these 4 year olds are so difficult!  (just kidding)

Does everyone remember Roberto?!!  Or, "Berto" as Bode used to call him when he was 2 years old.  He was part of the Fisher Price Wheelies, and Bode's first intro to cars.  We still have  Roberto (and all the others, except Eddy. Poor Eddy).  Aww, memories. 

Happy Tuesday.

xo

Matching PJs

One fun perk to having two of something is matching.  Of course I am talking about having two boys!  I've been meaning to post pics of my boys in their matching Valentine PJs.

Nico looks thrilled, doesn't he?  Don't worry, little Nico! Your mother is not crazy enough to match you guys all the time.  I promise to reserve the matching outfits to bedtime only!

Hope you got some good sleep last night. Or did you stay up late watching the Oscars like me? I thought the Academy Awards were a snooze this year.  I didn't watch the whole thing.  But staying up past 9 PM is considered "late" for me. It is not even 10 AM and I am zonked.

I always thought that after I left the working world that Mondays would cease to bother me.   I was so wrong!  I still don't like Mondays!

Happy Monday.

xo