Over the river and through the woods

It feels like we are on one long journey these days, each a baby step. But we are getting there.  Here are a few photos from Thanksgiving, our packing days, and a nod to Christmas:

Andrew was such a sweetheart with Nico!

Driving to Grandma's (Dawn's)

The moving truck arrived in all its huge-ness.  The movers were great about packing quickly. It was almost too quick. It was hard for RWF and I to keep track of everything going on. And despite some written and verbal requests, some of our "save" pile got packed anyway.  Gianna's dolls, story books (except for a couple of random ones that happened to be in the car), and other stuff "needed" for our move was packed up before I even realized what was missing.

Bode and Gianna have been very emotional since the truck took our stuff away.  They are doing the best they can.  I'm taking the advice my brother gave me, trying to treat everything as an adventure.  We have made spontaneous trips to the store for bagels, helium-filled balloons, crayons, and to Starbuck's for treats galore.  When we happen to be out at dusk, I'll take a detour into a neighborhood that twinkles with Christmas lights.  

And that brings us to Christmas.  I obviously can not (or choose not to) decorate for Christmas.  We have been listening to Christmas music and driving around to see holiday lights.  On Thursday, when I picked Bode up from school, his teacher Miss Lynn reminded Bode to pick up his "special surprise."  And while he was under a set of stairs getting his surprise for me, Miss explained that Bode had found this "surprise" on their walk that morning and  had very carefully walked the whole way back to the school house, carrying this "surprise" in his arms.  She said that it took him a long time but he was determined to bring the "surprise" back with him.  When Bode emerged from the stairs, he held a branch from a pine tree. "Oh Bode, how wonderful!" I said.  I thought it was just another one of his sticks that he likes to bring home.  But he told me that he wanted us to have Christmas at our house, so he brought us this "tree" as a surprise.  He suggested that we decorate it and then it will be "Christmas in our house."  Well you can imagine how this made me feel (sad!).  I gave him a hug and told him that I loved his surprise, that it was so thoughtful of him to bring Christmas to our house. And when we got home, I insisted on taking this photo:

And of course, it wouldn't be Christmas without new Christmas pajamas!  Poor Nico doesn't have any yet.  I couldn't find any in his size that I like.

We are trying to maintain normalcy around here as much as we can with all of our "stuff" gone.  We are keeping routines, like school, gymnastics, and swimming for Bode and Gianna, and bedtime stories for all.

This is our last week here.  I have a million and one things to do, and yet really, nothing to do.  The contents of our life are on their way to Portland.  All I have to do is say goodbye this week.  It is not as easy as it sounds. Bode and Gianna have one last week of school. We will gift our teachers, our vet, and our baby sitter, saying thank you for making our lives better here. And then we will say goodbye one last time.

Goodbye, goodbye. 

xo

Moving

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving with our New York family...who will soon really be just our family living in New York...as we will not be....

Okay. See the above ramble? Does this make any sense? This is how I've been talking lately:  wildly long-winded, confusing, fragmented, emotional/dramatic.

We are moving.

There. I said it.

It has been so difficult to talk about the move.  When I 'fessed up to Bode and Gianna's teachers over a month ago (yes), I rambled so much that Bode's teacher looked completely perplexed.  And when I  (finally) finished my long winded narrative with the simple, declarative, "We are moving,"  she actually looked relieved, like, "Oh! Finally! I understand!"  With Gianna's teacher, I walked up to her and couldn't even speak. She could see the emotions all over my face. Luckily, Miss Amy is a dear one, and treated me much  like her 3 year old charges. She gave me a big hug, sat me down on a nearby bench, and told me to tell her everything.  I told her everything,  tears brimming, while she nodded sympathetically and rubbed my back. We both cried.

Sigh.

There is so much I have come to love about here, that I am going to miss so much.

And everything is just moving so fast.  

I have had a really difficult time talking about it (see above).

Today, the movers came and packed up our house in record time.  They arrived at 7:30 and left at 1:30.  They still have a lot to do, but they got the majority of our precious life belongings stuff boxed up and ready to go.  Tomorrow, they will  return to find that I have opened 3 boxes, removed the contents of 2 boxes, and have added a considerable amount of stuff, in piles, to be boxed (things I thought I'd donate/toss, but emotion prevailed).

Since we have begun this move discussion with the children, we have made a conscious effort to be very slow, very forgiving, very informative about life these days, what we are doing and what is happening (and not happening).  But today, when they came home and saw our walls lined with boxes, it must have overwhelmed them. Oh, so this is what it means, I can imagine them thinking. But what can they understand, really? We've tried to talk about things from moving our stuff in a big truck to flying in an airplane. But they won't get it all ("moving") in one piece. It will be a long process for them. So we are trying to take it slowly and explain everything. Sometimes we have to have the same  Q&A each time we do something. But that's okay. I can't imagine how this must seem to them, when I am so emotional and confused myself.

This afternoon, Gianna was incredibly screechy and moved to tears over seemingly random things.  Bode, since Thanksgiving, has been very quiet, off to himself, but then also squishy about hugs and love. He will announce, "I want a hug," and come over to me for one.  

This morning, Bode asked me what he was made of and I drew a blank. "Um,  you're made of...Bode." I answered as I buttered his toast, and thought about the million-and-one things I needed to do before the movers arrived.  "I don't want to be made of Bode!" he sputtered. "I want to be made of love!"  I dropped the knife and ran over to him, "Oh honey, of course you are! You are, you are, you are! You are made of love! Absolutely!" We hugged, sitting on the kitchen floor for a long time while I repeated, "You ARE made of love. You are, you are..." When he was convinced of my answer, he asked me what love is made of.  I told him that it is a golden, twinkly light that shines all around us and lives in us. "Is it weak, or is it strong?" he asked.  I thought about this, and then answered, "It is gentle, like when you are sad and you get a hug. It is soft, like when you are sleepy and cozy in your bed."  Then I thought of my mom and a recent dream I had, and added, "But it is also strong. So strong that you feel like it could knock you down. It is like a waterfall, just pouring over you."

I have to remember to love these babies, love RWF, and love myself through this.

The deets:

We are moving to Portland, Oregon.

We are moving soon.

We have a rental house.

We have a school. 

We are excited, nervous, hopeful and...sad. 

More details later.
Happy week to all.
xo

Meet my friends, Peanut Butter and Chocolate

What a long weekend! I hate to complain but my god these children really wore me out! They had so.much.energy.  and I was so tired, impatient and cranky.  Good times!

Let me just go ahead and confess two things:  my children watched television and we all ate chocolate!

It started innocently enough..."Mommy" needed some breathing room so I resorted to TV. I put on a Christmas cartoon for the children while I checked the mail. Then I started browsing a magazine I got in the mail. And then,  I found a recipe for chocolate peanut butter truffles in one of RWF's magazines, of all places!  

Right about that time, I needed chocolate like an alcoholic needs a drink.  It was a bad craving that would not be ignored.  My head was pounding out a beat to, "choc.o.late. choc.o.late. choc.o.late." The recipe required chocolate, peanut butter, butter, sugar and a little bit of time. It sounded like an easy fix.

It is my humble opinion that peanut butter and chocolate are one of the greatest combinations of all time.

I turned off the TV. The children stopped grumbling once I announced that we would be making something. Bode and Gianna helped by mixing the butter, peanut butter and sugar together while I melted the chocolate.  I rolled the peanut butter mixture into (healthy sized) balls and then rolled them again in the melted chocolate.  It was very messy. ("You need to wash your hands, Mommy" Gianna admonished several times during my creation time.) It was soooo worth it.  And guess what? I ate them all (well, Gianna and Bode were given a small bite to taste).  They were delicious! And dare I say, I think I deserved them.  They helped me through a decidedly rough weekend. And, I'm already thinking about making them again.  I guess they were a little too easy to make (and consume). But how awesome would it be to have these yummies hanging out in my fridge all the time, for when life gets rough?

BFF, man.

I don't have any pics of the chocolate peanut butter truffles (because I ate them allllllll!). But here is a pic of a happy baby consuming a waffle:

And here is a pic of a happy baby driving his new car:

Here is a pic of a happy girl loving HopHop:

And here is a pic of a happy boy striking a (super hero) pose:

Bode is so funny. He saw me with my camera and said, "Take a picture of me, I'm a super hero!" and immediately got into this pose.

Happy Monday, friends.
xo

First and last

Goodbye, Exersaucer. You've been good to us!

I'm purging and saying goodbye to a lot of baby stuff.  Every time Nico reaches a milestone, and every time he moves on from a toy or baby gear, I have to say goodbye to this time in our life. It is  his first milestone, it is my last.

Goodbye, baby swing. Thanks for all the sleep!

It makes me sad, knowing that we will never need the Tiny Gym, the swing, or this table:

All of our babies used this table to learn to stand (and play).  I can sing along to every song that plays from this table. It brings back memories of when Bode was a baby and it even brings back feelings I had when Bode was a baby.

Goodbye, baby bath. It's been fun.

I started crying and gnashing my teeth over letting go of this silly table.

RWF was the one that suggested that I document this table with all of our babies around it. Of course, none of the babies cooperated (except for Nico, my smiley guy).  "Oh here goes Mommy, crying again. Let's ignore her. Again."

Goodbye, table. We love you!

You can't even tell from this photo how Bode and Gianna tower over it, but tower they do.  I know it's time to say goodbye to the table. I know another baby will benefit greatly from it.

It's time to let go and move on.  No looking back.

Well, except for pictures like these.
xo

Growing, growing...

February 2012

Bode is a big boy. I have to remind myself of this all the time. Every day is a challenge. I still see him as a little guy. I don't understand when he contradicts me or doesn't want to do as I say. Who is this big boy with a mind of his own? Who is this big boy who wants to do everything by himself?

Thursday morning, Bode put on a pair of pants and they were high-waters.  I laughed and laughed.  He looked at me, puzzled.  I felt bad and then explained that he had a growth spurt.  I then had to explain a "growth spurt" in a non-frightening way. I also had him try on some other pants just to make sure and yeah, he's bigger.  He is now in a size 6.  Yikes.  I can't keep up. 

Yesterday he went to a birthday party for a school friend. Rylan has been a good friend to Bode since starting Kindergarten together.  They've had play dates, and share similar interests (space! Cars! etc.). Rylan is such a gentle, sweet boy and I am happy that they are friends. Rylan is always looking for Bode, shouting, "Bode! I'm so glad that you're here!" Some of the other boys in Kindergarten are very rough & tumble, and I can see the "mean-spiritedness" or should I say, "mischievousness," coming out in them already.  So I am enjoying this sweet friend of Bode's. Yesterday's party was wonderful, the perfect testament that Rylan is indeed a loving friend who has a wonderful, nurturing family. And I so enjoyed being a witness to it, to watching Bode as he took it all in, quietly, hand-in-hand with his friend Rylan.

This morning, I went through Bode's closet with him, having him try on clothes.  I sorted the clothes into two piles: clothes he can still wear and clothes to put away for Nico.  Every time  he changed out of a pair of try-ons, I'd tickle him.  I made him laugh so hard while he squirmed around on the floor.  I tickled him on purpose, to capture another (precious) moment of just me and my "little" boy...the one who still wants to be tickled by his mommy...for right now, at least.

xo

First: Lost tooth

I knew that the Halloween candy was going to ruin my children's teeth!  Just kidding.  Today, while I was busy cleaning out a closet, Bode and Gianna were entertaining themselves.  After I put Gianna down for a nap, I was hanging out with Nico and Bode.  Bode started telling me something when I spied something reddish brown in his mouth.  Or, rather, the absence of something white in his mouth.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR TOOTH?" I demanded.

His hand went up to his mouth. He had no idea what I was talking about. I peered inside his mouth.  There was a gaping hole where there once was a tooth.

"WHAT HAPPENED?" I demanded again, as my heart began fluttering in my chest.

"Nothing! What's wrong? Is my tooth gone?" Bode started to cry, big tears appearing on his cheeks.

I quickly changed tactics. Smiling, I tried to hide my nervousness. "Nothing's wrong," I replied. "It's just that your tooth is missing."

"Oh, no!" he wailed and started crying anew.

I wanted to cry, too.  I asked him what he was doing earlier and if he remembered losing his tooth. I did a mental checklist of everything I had seen him eat that morning. He told me that he didn't remember losing his tooth. He gave me a vague story of him and Gianna wrestling with the ladybug.  He may have had the ladybug in his mouth while Gianna had the ladybug in her hand, he explained. 

Oh. My. Gawd.

By this time, my heart was doing some kind of Martha Graham inspired dance in my chest.  I didn't know what to do. I ran upstairs and into Bode's room.  I searched around on my hands and knees. And then I spied something small and white by his door.

His tooth.

His precious baby tooth.

It is small, white and has a roundish hole in the bottom of it, where I suppose the root was living at one time.

If it were any smaller and had been lost in the kitchen, I would have dismissed it as a grain of rice.

I texted RWF. I didn't know what to do. I cupped Bode's tiny tooth in my hand and went back downstairs.  I saw RWF pull into our driveway and I ran outside.

Without turning off the car's engine, RWF asked me what was wrong.  I told him that Bode had lost a tooth. We talked about what to do.  Bode seemed emotional, so we opted to be cheerful and positive about his lost tooth.

He wasn't too keen on posing for the camera and finally did open wide!

I went back inside and called a dentist friend while RWF talked to Bode. My dentist friend explained that there was really nothing to do.  I found an empty jewelry box and, returning to Bode, I  announced that we'd keep the tooth in the box.  RWF and I had a whispered mini conference about the Tooth Fairy. We decided the Tooth Fairy was the positive spin we needed for this story. So we told Bode about the Tooth Fairy and he gave us a disbelieving laugh.   This is characteristic for Bode. He has already told me that the Switch Witch can't be real. He has doubts about the Tooth Fairy, too. (I wish he wasn't such a realist.)

He talks with a "ssll" or "sshh" sound right now. And I'm having to force myself not to overreact every time I see the gap where there once was a tooth. I have felt anxious and sad all afternoon. And yes, all over a lost tooth. But maybe it's not about the tooth. I went through closets and boxes today and finally, finally (finally!) purged Gianna's and Nico's baby clothes. Maybe it's not about the tooth at all. Maybe this is about how nothing ever stays the same. 

I hate surprises.

Happy Saturday.
xo

Halloween

3...2...1...

Cinderelly

Bode and Gianna had their very first experience trick-or-treating last night.

The babies were quiet with anticipation as we drove to a nearby neighborhood.  On the drive over, I explained to them how houses are either lit up for Halloween, or they are dark, depending on whether the people in the house wish to give out candy.  It was pouring down rain and windy.  We had a full day of school, doctor appointments, and other errands. We were driving home from the pediatrician at 5:30, and all I wanted to do was put everyone to bed.  Instead, we raced home, ate a quick bite and then headed out again (because I had promised Bode and Gianna we would trick-or-treat!).

At just 6 PM, it was so dark and heavy rain splashed down on our windshield, making it so hard for me to see.  I parked at the first decorated, fully lit house we saw.  At first, I thought I'd keep Nico in the car and just go to the one house.  But as I was about to walk up to the house, I saw other houses were lit up close by.  So I got the stroller out, and put Nico in.  I had to call Gianna back, because she was already making the walk up to the house.  A group of teenage (?) boys, all in black and with no discernible costume among them, was crowding the porch.  "Let's let them go first," I cautioned. Within seconds, the boys were trotting off, but then they slowed to a stop in front of Bode.

"Whoah. That is so cool."

"Do you see his costume? He's an astronaut!"

"Check out his helmet!"

"You've got the coolest costume ever!"

These were genuine compliments. "Thank you," came Bode's muffled reply. (He insisted on keeping the visor down!)

Gianna then took off boldly, plastic pumpkin out in front of her, in search of the candy. I watched as she put her hand up to steady her crown as she stepped up to the porch.  Only then did she turn back to see if we were behind her.

Two girls answered the door and deposited a handful of candy in each pumpkin.  Two heads bent down to look inside their pumpkins and each baby said, "Thank you!" and then slowly shuffled down the path, eyeing their candy the whole time.

The next house had a single porch light, and not a single Halloween decoration on display.  Gianna moved forward, but Bode hung back.

"Wait!" he wailed "There's no light on. There's nobody there!"

I gazed at the yellow porch light and then turned to Bode. "Yes, the light is on. Let's just go see."

And of course, someone answered the door and gave the children candy.

Nico was so quiet as we strolled (so slowly...) through the rain.  Gianna was looking a bit tired, if not bedraggled, by her rainy pilgrimage for candy. At one point, she stepped on the train of her dress and there was an audible rip.  There was a pause, and then she said, "That's okay." The rain was coming down sideways, so my umbrella was not much use to Nico, or any of us. I felt like such a jerk, dragging my baby through the rain-filled street.  I told myself that we would visit 4 houses total, and no more.

I think that the babies would have easily continued trick-or-treating, if I had not suggested that we go home and watch the traditional Charlie Brown cartoon.

Post-trick-or-treat

We got home, changed immediately into warm jammies and watched a show.  They got 1 piece of candy to eat, after I had searched the contents of their pumpkins. Curious to know what each child picked? Gianna picked peanut M&Ms. Bode picked a Twix.  The rest of the candy (8 pieces total, each) was put back into their pumpkins and up on the counter. 

It was a successful, soaking wet, trick or treating adventure.  They both woke up this morning and put on their costumes. Today, I'm going to propose that they leave their candy out for the Switch Witch. I hope that it works...I'm craving chocolate!

This month has been the worst.  It has been full of ups, downs, worry, heartache and hurts. I usually love October and Halloween, but this year, I'm ready to say goodbye.

Happy November...let's hope that it's better this month.

xo