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| a recent impromptu picnic on a hike, a time that I remember feeling happy and not stressed! |
Things have been incredibly busy around here. Crazy-busy. The kind of busy that makes me want to shout, "Stop! I want to get off this ride!" Our family has been humming along, but I (we) have felt the effects of too much. Too much activity, too much stress, too much...of everything.
For the children, I've cut all activities except school (ha!) and swimming. This swimming session ends in a few weeks, and I'm going to cut swim lessons to 1 time per week. The children enjoy being active but I can tell that they are tired. Bode is now 6, and I worry about how life is going to speed up for him, once he hits "real" elementary school. I want to keep things simple for him, for Gianna, and for Nico, for as long as I can.
For me, I am tired of feeling tired. My most common feeling, and my constant lament, is "I'm so tired." I'm tired of being such a drag, and feeling like I'm...dragging. I have yet to make a doctor's appointment for a check-up, but I will soon. I think things are catching up with me, again. It's difficult to move and go through the motions of moving. I think I go through the motions because I "have to" and then as a result, 6 months or so later, I crash and the effects of everything hit me. I'm finally starting to feel like we "live" here, and starting to imagine what that means for all of us, and what I want our life to "be" here. I am also carrying my mother around, dragging her death behind me. After my mom died, I went to a therapist, carrying baby Nico into the office with me each week. I didn't think I could continue seeing her, the therapist, because of everything else that was going on. I remember telling her that I had too much going on, both physically and mentally. I'll never forget her words: "You need to deal with this now, or it's going to come out later, in other ways." I shrugged it off at the time. But what she said was so true. It keeps happening: anger, sadness, etc. Yesterday I was laughing my head off with RWF about something, and an image of my mother's memorial popped into my head, and I started crying uncontrollably. "Why are you crying?" RWF asked, surprised at my abrupt swing. And I had to tell him that I thought of my mom (I didn't share the image). Did he understand? Probably not. I'm not being authentic, not to myself and not to anyone in my family. I need to deal. Grief is the worst.
We (RWF and I) have been under a great deal of stress about our living situation (i.e., the house). We have been struggling to find a house for our family. I've been unhappy where we are at, but it might just be the place to stay. This subject's a bore, so I won't go into the details. It's something that we need to resolve. There are other, more personal stressors involved, too.
That is one, and other, reasons I have not been updating the blog. It is the same (boring) issues and stressors. Thankfully, the children are doing great, and growing like crazy in all kinds of ways. I need to get back to recording their personalities and funnies. As far as the 52 project...I have been taking pictures weekly, but I have not been uploading them here. I cringe at the idea of trying to back-date all the photos in order.
We are making some changes around here. Hopefully, with the subtraction of some things, and the addition of some other things, life will be a bit more manageable. I hope to be back to recording our lives soon.
xo
