Nico: 13 months

Dear Nico,

Two nights ago, while I was getting your brother and sister ready for bed, you stood up and walked 5 steps.  Nobody was paying attention, but I just happen to look over at you when I saw you rise up on your feet. I was standing in the doorway and I watched you take these first 5 steps. And then you plopped down on your bottom. You looked over and we smiled at each other. I walked over to you and gave you a big hug and asked you to do it again.  I stood you up about an arm's length away. And you walked toward me, smiling the whole time.  You fell into my arms and I squeezed you so hard. I was so happy for you. The way you let me squeeze you told me that you were pretty proud of yourself, too. 

Yesterday, I was in the office paying a bill when I heard a slap-slap-slap.  You yelled, "AAANNH!" Slap-slap-slap.   I walked out to investigate. You were on top of the stairs, slapping the floor and yelling "AAANNH!" You looked at me and slapped the floor. You wanted to know how to get down.  I ran (soooo fast) up the stairs and told you that you would not be learning to climb down the stairs any time soon.  And I told myself that I would not be leaving you alone anymore, either. 

You are drinking almond milk from a bottle, and water from a sippy cup.  This has not been an easy transition. Someone suggested that I skip the bottle completely and go straight to the sippy cup. But after thinking about it, and consulting some of our family "experts," we stuck with a bottle. It seems to be working out. Hopefully this dairy allergy will go away, because I miss cheese!!!  And I'd hate for you to miss out on eating cheese one day, too. Already your diet is pretty basic and bland.Without the "dairy" group, I'm kind of at a loss as to what to feed you most days.

You are sounding out "words," in Nico-speak.  You seem to know "bye bye," "bath," "Gianna," and "out" or at least I seem to know what you mean when you are babbling.

You love hanging outside with your brother and sister.  You are by far the fastest in the developmental milestones. And we know this is because of Bode and Gianna. You can't wait to be a part of their play.

Sleep has been difficult this past month. You're getting your top two teeth in at the same time.  You've also been sick with a snotty nose-cough-cold. No fun for a little baby like you!  I try to enjoy the quiet hours with you in the middle of the night. But I would love to see you sleeping through the night, too.

You are now 13 months.  And you are every bit a good baby as you were on the day you were born.  Thank you for the love and smiles, Nico. You are such a joy.

Love,

Mommy

xo

Follow up, and a Jack-o-lantern

I need to clarify what I wrote about in my previous post. I hinted about Depression and Bad Mothering.  I am okay. I don't think that I've kept my "down" days too hidden, but maybe have not written what exactly gets me down on those "down" days.  And of course, I haven't written about my bad mothering days.  I may have alluded to frustration or exhaustion on those days. It's hard to write about these things because this is a very public space.  I am a very private person. While I want to share my life, especially life with my children, I don't want to dwell too much on the negative. Dwelling on the negative, or writing about a particular "down" "bad mothering" day can color the way people view me. And it's just a tiny slice of life, not the whole picture. Writing about my feelings makes me vulnerable and opens up possible criticism.  I get pretty snarly when people insert their opinions (when I didn't ask for them). 

Then again, I don't want to paint a picture of this glorious stress-free, crafty-fun, all-is-groovy life. I don't want to gloss over the bad stuff. So I have to figure out how to write about certain things, and to balance the good and the bad (because there is bad). I will post the mundane details, the photos of my children with uncombed hair and mismatched clothes. One of my biggest irks is the blogs (and oh my gawd there are so many of them!) where the pictures are so perfectly coordinated (not authentic) and the daily life posts are so unreal, that they may as well be writing about flying unicorns and rainbows. It has become a big source of irritation and I'm slowly learning to not read these blogs. I hiss, Get real! Maybe that should become my new mantra.

My original intent in keeping this blog was to keep distant family connected. At the time, we were living in California with two babies while our families were in Texas and New York.  Our families naturally wanted to know about the milestones and see the pictures of the babies. I was happy to oblige, as a new mother I loved nothing more than writing out every single detail and capturing every single moment with my camera.

Now, I write for the families but also for my children. I have so many questions about my childhood and about my family (of origin).  My parents probably wouldn't remember everything I have questions about - and now that I'm a mom to three, I certainly understand how everything just sort of smushes together. So I try to write about things that my children will like to know about their young lives. And post pictures of everyone so that they have visual memories as well.

Down days? Yes. Bad mothering? Unfortunately, yes.  Details?  Maybe. Another time.

Now onto my flying unicorns part of the post.  Yesterday we carved a pumpkin.  It was the first time in my adult life that I've carved a pumpkin by myself. I think in years past, I always let the "guy" in my life (dad, boyfriend, husband) have the knife. Well NO MORE! And let me tell you, I felt pretty powerful wielding that knife and sticking it into "Pumpkin FIRE!" (as Bode named our Jack-o-lantern).

For me, picking out a pumpkin is all about the stem!

First, I let the babies pick out which pumpkin they wanted to carve (we have 5).  Then, I let them dictate what kind of face they wanted by asking them questions, like I was a police sketch artist:  Does the pumpkin have big round eyes, or triangles?  Does the pumpkin have a nose? Is it a square? Is the pumpkin smiling, or is he sad? etc.  They described the pumpkin's features easily.

Bode is singing loudly about PUMPKIN FIRE!

Then it was time to carve. Oh boy. Where to start?  

Meanwhile, Bode and Gianna had quickly lost interest and had started chasing each other around the yard.  I got immersed in carving. Then I looked down to see Nico had discovered the pumpkin guts in a bowl. Thankfully, he wasn't eating anything.

And there you have it:

Oh, and as I was narrating about how to commence carving, Bode pipes up with, "Yeah, you have to scoop out the seeds. After you scoop out the seeds, you need to clean them and let them dry. And then you roast them and eat them!"  I said, "Wait a minute. Have you done this before?"  And he said (casually), "Yeah, we carved pumpkins at my school last week."  

Damn.

Ooops! I mean, "Why, those energetic teachers! How nice of them to spread holiday cheer!"

I have to admit I was a bit defeated when Bode admitted that he had already carved pumpkins and roasted the seeds (over a campfire, no doubt!) at school. Oh well. He did like it when I lit a candle in the pumpkin.  And our pumpkin seeds are drying out on the counter, waiting to be roasted.

Happy Monday.

xo

Knock, knock

I think I've kept my feelings undercover here. But I must confess I have been down for so long. And I have been a terrible mother this past year because of my mood(s). This week, despite a solid month of sleep deprivation (!), I have felt joy around my children. It's hard to explain (and embarrassing) to admit that I've been down, when I have these wonderful babies to live with and love. But I have not been myself. But recently, I have gotten glimpses of my old self and how I used to just enjoy simply "being" with my children. I have felt lighter, more present, and more playful. The fog lifted a little this week, and it made me so happy and thankful!

Who's there? Mr. Funny Guy, that's who.

Kindergarten has opened a lot of doors for Bode...physically (he's soooo active and physical) and emotionally (he is needy/tearful...perhaps it's hard for him, this stretching to be a big boy at school, so when he comes home, he needs extra love and attention?).  And, he is just funny! This morning, he decided he was a volcano as he dressed into a t-shirt ("I'm....erupting!" he shouted as he pushed his head through the neck hole). He has also discovered knock-knock jokes. It started this morning at breakfast, when he announced, "Knock-knock..." And when I asked, "who's there?" he was so delighted! "How did you know!" he demanded, surprised that I knew this joke. All through breakfast, we exchanged knock-knock jokes. It made us both happy, as if we were speaking a secret language. BTW, I was worried about knowing knock-knock jokes, and immediately reached for my phone to Google "knock-knock jokes for 5 year olds" but stopped and made up my own. As I suspected, no, they don't need to make any sense right now for Bode to laugh.

Pumpkin

Gianna is a combination of absolute sweet-babyness and absolute sass...which I guess is pretty normal for a 3 year old?  She is so excited for Halloween. We have her costume all set. Spoiler alert: store-bought and completely unoriginal (but she is thrilled). I hope (fingers crossed) that we can go trick-or-treating this year. It seems like something always happens to prevent the fun!  Gianna is loving the word, "No" lately and I'm having to curtail my automatic Mother-is-always-right response of "What did you say?"  I have learned that with her, it is sometimes better to just let her say "No," and work around it.  She is having a lot of fun at  school. She enjoys her girlfriends, Ava, Ann-Sophie, and Katie. She sees Ann-Sophie at gymnastics, too, so they have a closer relationship. I am amazed at how "girly" Gianna is, and how it is just...innate. She loves dressing up, all things pink, and her babies. She has also taken more interest in Nico, wanting to feed him, give him his baba, and giving him hugs.

No sleep, but who can resist this face?

Nico is doing good, despite a horrible, erratic sleep "schedule" (or no "schedule" really), teething, and challenges with dairy (that I wrote about earlier). We are now giving him almond milk, on the advice of a nurse. The goat milk was just not getting drunk. He was drinking 2-4 oz a day. He is supposed to be drinking 16-24 oz a day! So I was starting to panic, thinking he was becoming malnourished. The nurse assured me that he was not malnourished but suggested that we try almond milk. Almond milk is sweeter, and Nico is now drinking 10 oz a day. He is still not really taking a bottle or sippy cup. Baby steps! All I can do is offer and then smile, when he violently throws the baba to the ground. I have found the easiest way to get him to drink is to give it to him while we are in the car. Maybe the reclined position of the car seat and lack of anything better to do helps? He  is teething, and he is sick, so sleep has been in small increments. It is maddening, but I just remind myself that he is not feeling good. Still, it is so hard for me to get up 2-3times a night, and then be up by 7 am and be pleasant to the rest of my family! As my friend Kristi reminded me, sleep deprivation is a form of torture.  (amen!) 

Yesterday, in a fit of good cheer, I proposed that we make pumpkin bread.  We actually looked around and found a recipe for pumpkin chocolate chip muffins that sounded yummy. So we made that (and a big mess...but it was worth it).  It has been a long time since I baked with my babies. We had fun.  I didn't mind when they skeedaddled, leaving me to clean up the batter dripped on the counter and the flour over everything. The pumpkin chocolate chip muffins are delicious! I highly recommend them, especially with a strong cup of coffee (obviously not the coffee for the babies). 

After a lame dinner of chicken breasts, steamed rice and broccoli, it was time for swimming. I was so nervous because it was going to be my first time taking all 3 babies out at night, to the Y so that Bode and Gianna could take their swim lessons.  I got everyone into the car on time and then I went up to the door to grab my jacket and hit the garage door opener.  The garage door started opening with a long, high pitched squeal....and then it stopped halfway.  I hit it again. The garage door went down. I hit again. The garage door squealed its high pitched noise and stopped halfway again.  I did this a few more times.  What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result.  Well finally, Bode yelled from the backseat, "Mom! I know what you can do! You can call somebody!"  Hmm. Great idea, Bode. But really, there was nobody to call.  I stood there and hit the button one more time. No go, joe.  So I walked down to the car and admitted defeat. I sadly told them that we would not make it to swimming tonight. I was worried, because they love swimming with a passion, and looked forward to it all day.  But they were okay. They got out of the car easily enough (well, after I promised that they could watch a show in lieu of swimming).   So we were stuck at home last night.  So, another issue to deal with tomorrow....

I am happy that it is the weekend. RWF and I have a date afternoon planned (though I would love to take the 3 hours for a sitter and use it for just sleeping!), and hopefully we will carve pumpkins.

Happy weekend.

xo

Perspective

Life has been so crazy lately.  I keep thinking, "This is my life," when I get discouraged about the constant running around, meal prep, messiness, the teething, etc.  And then I think, "This is not my life," when I get discouraged about the constant running around, meal prep, messiness, the teething, etc. It just depends on my mood, I guess. I have not been getting a lot of sleep lately. Nico has had a full month of erratic sleep (waking all hours, teething, sick, etc.). And then there is the usual business of life and all its fun stuff thrown our way...some of which, I won't even address here. So usually by Thursday, I'm in tears.

My constant refrain has  been, "I'm so tired."  The other night, when RWF asked me how I was, I started to say, "I'm so (tired)..." but before I could finish, he started laughing. He said that if I were a Chatty Cathy doll and you pulled my string, I would whine, "I'm so tired!" or "I don't know what to make for dinner!" or "Nico is not sleeping!"  He was laughing but I wasn't. I know that he is trying to make light of our situation. But it really made me stop and think.

I need to change myself. I need to stop focusing on my lack of sleep and make the most of what sleep I do get. I need to be happy that we are healthy. I need to be happy that we are all together.

It's all perspective, right?

So here is where we are at:

Nico tried milk a couple of weeks ago.  BIG MISTAKE.  He was so miserable, constantly crying (so unlike him), arching his back (gassy), diarrhea (TMI, sorry) and no sleep. It was awful (understatement).  And now, we're trying goat's milk which is much better. But he doesn't want to drink from a bottle or a sippy cup. I think the dairy may have scarred him for life. I hope not. 

The thing is, I am so ready to wean Nico. So his resistance to all bottles and sippy cups is very discouraging for me. That, and the fact that he is getting up 2-3 times a night is downright frustrating. This will pass...right?

He is happier now that the dairy has left  his system. He continues to stand and now walks with the aid of his toys.  

He is also currently teething.  Two top teeth are breaking in.

Priscilla had a biopsy on 2 separate areas of her body a couple of weeks ago. Luckily it all came back benign.   We have a wonderful vet. She even gave P a holiday bandage, which I loved (even though my heart breaks thinking about P in pain):

Bode and Gianna continue to do well in school.  Gianna loves dressing up for school (and carrying her Hello Kitty purse everywhere!).  Bode continues to not care about clothes but lives and breathes for the times he can play with his cars and planes!

They have even learned some simple spelling (just kidding!):

RWF rode a century last weekend!

All is well, all is well....

Happy week.

xo

Birthday boy

At long last (!) here are the 103, 478 pictures I took of Bode's birthday. In no particular order (because I am lazy busy):

I did not decorate with all the super heroes, Cars characters, Planes characters, etc.  I did have a Buzz Lightyear/Woody cake (per Bode's request), some character balloons, and I gift wrapped the presents in all the characters. Bode seemed pleased.

Aunt Debbie, Aunt Dawnie, Uncle Craig and SPECIAL GUEST STAR Andrew attended Bode's party.  Grandma could not make it because she was sick.

Special guest star! Andrew!

 Even though it was Bode's birthday, Gianna got a special Hello Kitty purse, packed with all kinds of special Hello Kitty accessories like lip gloss ("lips" as Gianna calls it), erasers, notepad and stickers, etc.
She also got a ton of dresses ("pretty dresses" Gianna would say) from Grandma.  And let me tell you, Gianna wasted no time putting her purse to use (even though Andrew did seem rather fond of it). And the next week, Gianna wore all her new dresses to school.

Nico also received a bunch of presents from everyone for his first birthday.

We put on some 70s music and watched in amazement as Nico busted a move:

Just kidding. This photo just looks like he is dancing. He is actually a little wobbly getting into a standing position. Still, his aunts were impressed.

Aunt Dawnie was chief present opener while we all watched. ;) I'm sure that her hands were tired from all the cardboard, zip ties and cellophane she had to open!

In the end, I asked Dawn to put down her birthday-package-opening scissors and to take a family photo of us.  This was the best one! Ha!  

But you know what? I like them all, even the ones where I am scowling while Nico is crying...because it just shows how messy and chaotic our lives sometimes are with three little monkeys.  I'm sure I'll look back on these photos with great fondness and think, "Those were the days!"Just like now, I look back on these five (5!) years with Bode and get smushy and weepy. Those were the days!  I can't believe my baby is a big 5 year old. There will be more good days to come, I'm sure.
Happy 5th Birthday to my happy little guy.
xo

Bode: 5 years old

Dear Bode,

You are now 5 years old.  You love being 5.  You love being able to hold up a whole hand when people ask you how old you are, and I always think, "5 fingers, each finger representing a year in your life."  

Five!

You are so much fun. You are still my happy little guy.  I love listening to you play in the playroom while I'm cooking or cleaning in the house.  It is my entertainment,  listening to the running commentary that you provide on the race taking place inside the playroom (or, rather, in your head), often punctuated by LOUD crashes of cars and planes.  And yes, I often run back to the playroom and admonish you to quiet down because your sister and brother are napping. But I really enjoy listening to you play.  You have always been able to entertain yourself, and that is a good thing.

Your teachers at school tell me that they enjoy you so much.  Your teachers have reported that they enjoy these things: your observations about space, you singing a Neil Young song ("Old Man" is a particular fave), you are one of the few who eats all of his "greens" at lunch, as well as just being a smiley guy who loves to play outside with your classmates.  This year at the school's Autumn Festival, I witnessed a change in you.  We arrived at the school, and almost immediately two friends, Sage and Rylan, sought you out to play.  You took off with these two boys, running and laughing. You never looked back, never asked if it was okay if you played with them.  I felt a little uneasy, but also happy, that you were able to play with friends on your own.  I watched you the whole time, you and your friends playing, chasing and taunting each other. I can tell, from school, that you have a kind of "hero-worship" going on with Sage, who is, you report, "Five and a HALF. And he's a Tall Oak." (which means he's not a newbie at this school).   Rylan, (who is "almost 6...November 18 is his birthday," you'll add), has been to our house for a play date and I love his sweet disposition. With Rylan, you can discuss Cars and Planes, as you're both big fans of these two franchises. Such boys! I thought about how this time last year, how you would play by yourself on a swing or a slide, with me and Daddy watching you closely.  And now this year, you're hiding in forts and playing with boys.  How things have changed!  At school, you love to play "Police" or "Ninja" and you're always telling me who is on whose team, and what girl was "allowed" to play with the boys.  Poop and burp jokes are starting to become funny to you (eeek!). Almost every day after school, you walk out with one or two sticks.   Suddenly, sticks are guns and I honestly don't know what to say/think/do about that. So I chalk it up to play and let you have your sticks. Sometimes when I pick you up from school, you hide them behind your back, announcing, "I have a surprise for you, Mommy." Your teacher, Miss Lynn, gives me a knowing wink, and says, "To add to your collection..." We always bring them home.  

You have a built-in friend and ally with Gianna.  She is now at the age where she can play with you.   She is also now at the age where she is your co-conspirator and sister who will egg you on when you are in trouble. Sometimes she will go along with your games (your direction), and sometimes not.  Sometimes I hear you both having a play dialogue between cars or dolls. Sometimes I hear her shrieking, "No, I will not play 'inja! (ninja)"  But always I find you playing on the swings together outside.  The swings are common ground, something you both enjoy. Gianna loves to imitate you and do  things to please you.  She always gives up something to share it with you, be it a sweet muffin or a toy.  And you in turn are a wonderful brother to her (though sometimes mischievous).  I love your relationship with Gianna, and I hope that you always have that in your life. 

There are times when you are so frustrated because you want to do things by yourself.  Sometimes it takes you longer than others.  You will cry, "I want to be first! I want to do it first!" There are times when you are so mad because Gianna will get dressed quicker than you (because I am dressing her) or puts  her shoes on faster.  "Wait for me, Gianna! Wait for me!" you wail.  Sometimes you are just tired and you don't know it, and you cry.  Sometimes you'll hit something or throw something in frustration. And sometimes, life is just plain frustrating, and you cry.  And I have to bite my tongue to not reprimand you for this behavior, to not tell you what I'm thinking, to not try to make it a teachable moment...and to remember that this is you, five years old, figuring things out for yourself. 

Happy Birthday, Bode.
Love,

Mommy

xo

Hello again, hello...

Fall is here! It is my favorite season. I love nothing more than the changing colors and temperatures of Fall but even I have had a hard time stopping to appreciate the change in season.  It has been a busy time. We've had surgery (Priscilla), 2 sick children (Nico and Bode), broken eye glasses (mine, thank you Nicholas!), a leak in our roof, a broken toilet, and other assorted "fun" stuff occur since the start of October.  

The best was the kick-off to October, which is Master Bode William's birthday. Bode did have a wonderful birthday. He loves being 5! He is a boy now. I need to post about Bode's birthday, and will do so soon. Brace yourselves, I took a ton of photos!  

Happy weekend.
xo