Follow up, and a Jack-o-lantern

I need to clarify what I wrote about in my previous post. I hinted about Depression and Bad Mothering.  I am okay. I don't think that I've kept my "down" days too hidden, but maybe have not written what exactly gets me down on those "down" days.  And of course, I haven't written about my bad mothering days.  I may have alluded to frustration or exhaustion on those days. It's hard to write about these things because this is a very public space.  I am a very private person. While I want to share my life, especially life with my children, I don't want to dwell too much on the negative. Dwelling on the negative, or writing about a particular "down" "bad mothering" day can color the way people view me. And it's just a tiny slice of life, not the whole picture. Writing about my feelings makes me vulnerable and opens up possible criticism.  I get pretty snarly when people insert their opinions (when I didn't ask for them). 

Then again, I don't want to paint a picture of this glorious stress-free, crafty-fun, all-is-groovy life. I don't want to gloss over the bad stuff. So I have to figure out how to write about certain things, and to balance the good and the bad (because there is bad). I will post the mundane details, the photos of my children with uncombed hair and mismatched clothes. One of my biggest irks is the blogs (and oh my gawd there are so many of them!) where the pictures are so perfectly coordinated (not authentic) and the daily life posts are so unreal, that they may as well be writing about flying unicorns and rainbows. It has become a big source of irritation and I'm slowly learning to not read these blogs. I hiss, Get real! Maybe that should become my new mantra.

My original intent in keeping this blog was to keep distant family connected. At the time, we were living in California with two babies while our families were in Texas and New York.  Our families naturally wanted to know about the milestones and see the pictures of the babies. I was happy to oblige, as a new mother I loved nothing more than writing out every single detail and capturing every single moment with my camera.

Now, I write for the families but also for my children. I have so many questions about my childhood and about my family (of origin).  My parents probably wouldn't remember everything I have questions about - and now that I'm a mom to three, I certainly understand how everything just sort of smushes together. So I try to write about things that my children will like to know about their young lives. And post pictures of everyone so that they have visual memories as well.

Down days? Yes. Bad mothering? Unfortunately, yes.  Details?  Maybe. Another time.

Now onto my flying unicorns part of the post.  Yesterday we carved a pumpkin.  It was the first time in my adult life that I've carved a pumpkin by myself. I think in years past, I always let the "guy" in my life (dad, boyfriend, husband) have the knife. Well NO MORE! And let me tell you, I felt pretty powerful wielding that knife and sticking it into "Pumpkin FIRE!" (as Bode named our Jack-o-lantern).

For me, picking out a pumpkin is all about the stem!

First, I let the babies pick out which pumpkin they wanted to carve (we have 5).  Then, I let them dictate what kind of face they wanted by asking them questions, like I was a police sketch artist:  Does the pumpkin have big round eyes, or triangles?  Does the pumpkin have a nose? Is it a square? Is the pumpkin smiling, or is he sad? etc.  They described the pumpkin's features easily.

Bode is singing loudly about PUMPKIN FIRE!

Then it was time to carve. Oh boy. Where to start?  

Meanwhile, Bode and Gianna had quickly lost interest and had started chasing each other around the yard.  I got immersed in carving. Then I looked down to see Nico had discovered the pumpkin guts in a bowl. Thankfully, he wasn't eating anything.

And there you have it:

Oh, and as I was narrating about how to commence carving, Bode pipes up with, "Yeah, you have to scoop out the seeds. After you scoop out the seeds, you need to clean them and let them dry. And then you roast them and eat them!"  I said, "Wait a minute. Have you done this before?"  And he said (casually), "Yeah, we carved pumpkins at my school last week."  

Damn.

Ooops! I mean, "Why, those energetic teachers! How nice of them to spread holiday cheer!"

I have to admit I was a bit defeated when Bode admitted that he had already carved pumpkins and roasted the seeds (over a campfire, no doubt!) at school. Oh well. He did like it when I lit a candle in the pumpkin.  And our pumpkin seeds are drying out on the counter, waiting to be roasted.

Happy Monday.

xo