Do you remember the caution, "Stranger danger!" that was stressed in the 80s? I think it was the 80s. I know I had a few nieces at that time, and I remember one of my sisters being incredibly paranoid about child abduction. That doesn't sound fair: paranoid about something serious like child abduction. But I remember thinking she was...a little zealous about teaching her child all the dangers out there. I was a young aunt and had zero children at the time, and had absolutely no idea how your whole heart and mind change once you have a child. I had no idea how fear of everything what-if can become your whole line of thinking when you have a child.
I have always been pretty calm (I think?) about stuff like "stranger danger" with my children. It's probably because I'm always with my children. (And before I continue, I do understand that this type of thinking is not a preventative or the 'right' way to think!) The only time I had an absolute tear-producing, fearful situation was when we "lost" Gianna at the Farmer's Market in Saratoga Springs for about 5 minutes. And I think I pretty much forgot about that 10 minutes after we found her.
I had an interesting "lesson" recently. We went to Bode's 6 year well-check a couple of weeks ago. His pediatrician examined him, asked me questions about his eating habits, his sleep habits and such. And then she looked at me and said, "Now I'm going to ask Bode some questions." She turned her attention fully to Bode, and kind of blocked me from his view with her body, and began to present different scenarios to him. I could see him but he couldn't really see me without leaning and looking around the pediatrician.
The firs scenario she told him about was a 'nice' lady pulls up in our driveway while he is outside playing. The nice lady rolls down her window and asks Bode if he would like some candy. She says that she has a big bag of candy to give him if he'll get into her car. The pediatrician asked, "Would you get into her car for the candy?"
It took Bode a loooong time to think about this situation. Finally, after what seemed like several minutes, he answered, "No."
(Phew.)
The next scenario was we are at home and I am taking a shower. Before I get in the shower, I tell Bode and Gianna not to bother me while I am showering ("Mommy is tired and wants to be alone."). Someone rings the doorbell and the person wants to be let in the house. The person says that he knows Mommy and it's okay. Does Bode let the person in the house?
This time, he answered a little more quickly and said "No."
The most likely (and scariest) scenario, I thought, was when she told him to think that he was in a store. He was looking at toys in the store and then he realized that I had walked off to shop for something else. He looked around but I was not there anymore. What does Bode do if he can not find Mommy in the store?
Bode had no clue on what to do. He just sat there thinking. I felt my anxiety rising, as if I was watching from a distance while he was actually lost in the store, and I was behind some glass, sound-proof cage where I wanted to shout the answer to him ("I'm here! I'm here! Don't worry, I'll never leave you!"). Finally the pediatrician gave him two solutions: one was to find a mommy with a baby and ask her for help, and the other solution was to find the person working at the register. (Honestly I found the second solution kind of confusing, because really...couldn't somebody just be standing there waiting for Bode to wander over looking for his mommy? The only store that has "official" looking uniforms are grocery stores and big box stores, and even then, colors can look like uniforms. I've often seen people in Target wearing red shirts that are not store clerks, for example).
The pediatrician put him through a couple of more scenarios like this (what I call, "stranger danger" scenarios) and even though it took Bode a long time to think about these situations, he always answered "correctly."
But it really made me stop and think. He answered the questions correctly (with a lot of time to think) but what if he was scared and panicked? Or what if he was hungry and that candy looked so good? What would he do in a real-life situation? Hopefully we will never have to find out.
Before this appointment, I'd never told my children, "don't talk to strangers" or about people being "bad" or anything like that. I've never told my children to not get into other people's cars or to not answer the door. It just never occurred to me that I would need to. And honestly, I don't want to because I don't like introducing those bad thoughts into their minds. I like that they have a pretty innocent view of the world and would like to keep it that way. (but of course, I wouldn't want to put them in danger just to shelter them from bad thoughts, either)
So after these questions, the pediatrician talked to us both about what to do in these situations. And she also gave us homework. I am to help Bode learn how (and when) to call 9-1-1, to memorize my phone number and how to tell people our address (things that he "failed" during her test).
A couple of days after the appointment, we were at the library and Gianna found a book about talking to strangers. I thought it was a 'sign' that she had found this book and brought it to me. So I checked the book out of the library to talk about the stranger subject further. But it was....awful. I mean I couldn't even finish some of the sentences because they were so....fear-inducing. I made up sentences as I read it (to not read the scary parts) and then I hid the book so that they wouldn't see it (and want to read it again). But then our baby sitter came over and read the book to them. After they read the book, they both would say stuff like, "Don't talk to strangers! They are bad!" (ugh)
I spent a few days correcting that mistake. I made a point of smiling at people ("strangers") and saying Hello to people we see out and about. I think the stranger-danger thought is corrected. I was happy to see Bode say, "Hello, how is your day going?" to a man painting our neighbor's fence.
I've been working with Bode on memorizing phone numbers and so far, the only thing he has learned is 9-1-1 (of course, because that is easy). But my issue is, we don't have a landline in the house. I only have my cellphone. So there is no way for him to practice dialing or even what a phone looks like! So I don't know what to do about that? I guess we should have a landline. Maybe I should have him practice my phone calling his aunts or something. Any ideas?
I've also been talking to him and Gianna about different situations and how to manage them. I'm trying to put these "scary" situations into a more "empowering" light than "theres's a stranger at the door!" type thinking. But it's a hard line, trying to impart the seriousness of the situation and getting the "what-to-do-if..." message across without putting fear into their heads.
Have you talked to your children about emergency or scary situations, and do you have any good tips on making it more of an empowering situation than a scary situation?
Happy Thursday!
xo
