The weekend in pictures

Our weekend was quiet and family-based, just like I like it. "That's the way, uh huh, uh huh. I like it. Uh huh, uh huh"(K.C. and the Sunshine Band, in case you are wondering) (and no, I'm not feeling very much into dancing to disco music. But it did pop into my head.)

RWF and I had a wonderful date night on Friday.  We were literally driving downtown when I decided on the restaurant (remember, we had two reservations because I couldn't make up my mind).  I said, "I'm feeling Beekman Street, not Maestro's." and RWF replied, "I know that you're feeling it..." (probably because I kept talking about its menu). So that's where we went.  And let me tell you, it did not disappoint.  Every bite, I had an audible reaction, "Mmmm..." or "Oh my gawd..." I hate it when I am eating with people and someone else does this, so I really should not do it myself. I did control myself a little. But sometimes, the food is so good that you can't help but show your appreciation! The food was incredibly delicious, fresh, and sourced from local farms (hooray!).  I loved our waiter, who answered my million questions and never looked annoyed, or over at his other tables distractedly. He answered all my questions or would run back to the kitchen to get the answer from the chef (at one point, RWF joked to him, "Next, she's going to want the farmers' names, and the names of their dogs...."). I loved sitting in a quiet, intimate setting across from RWF.  RWF always wants to have serious conversation.  He doesn't care about the Grammys, the latest celeb gossip or whether I should cut my hair. He wants to talk about The Future and Make Plans. So we did a little of that. Mainly, we just enjoyed good food together.  After reviewing the past year, we both figured out that our last real date night was....(drum roll)...when I was pregnant with Gianna!  Isn't that crazy? It was early summer, and I was a very big and very hungry (pregnant) date. We remembered that we have been out together one other time, an evening fundraiser that did not qualify as a "date" or quiet time together. So now we plan to make date nights a monthly thing. Hooray!

The only downside was I came home and discovered that my babysitter does not do dishes.  I wrote her a check and sent her on her way after getting the full report on Bode and Gianna. Then I walked into the kitchen to discover that every dinner dish, utensil, cup and bottle used while we were away was sitting on the counter, waiting to be washed or put into the dishwasher. It was such a bummer.

Isn't she pretty in pink

Saturday we (finally) hung a curtain over the ugly mini blind in Gianna's bedroom. I picked out a pink ruffled cotton, and it gives her room this warm, almost psychedelic pink haze all day. It is beautiful (or, at least I think so).  Gianna seems to like it, too.  It also makes her room a touch darker, which is great for naptime.

Babylein and her dada share chopsticks fun

Saturday evening, we ordered Thai in, and it was delicious.  I ate a whole order of Pad Thai by myself, save for a small spoonful I doled out to each of my other family members. Bode ate all the spring rolls. RWF ate most of the yellow curry and rice. Gianna ate bits and pieces of everything.  After dinner, she sat in a big chair by RWF and played with my empty container and one chopstick (Note: I didn't eat out of the container! I just set it on the table when I realized I was about to just finish off the whole order, so why keep walking back to the counter to refill my plate?).  At one point, I looked over at Bode and I swear I could see a visible change in him since he started preschool. While we cleaned up the take-out and the kitchen mess, Bode danced around with his baby blanket. He eventually asked me to knot it around him, and ended up wearing it as a dress.

After a bath, Bode asked me to knot his baby blanket again, and then he put it on his head. I said that he looked like he was a bride, wearing a veil. But he corrected me. "I'm a doctor!" he insisted.  He went to bed, still wearing the veil. An hour later, I would run upstairs and check on him, fearing suffocation or strangulation. The veil was still perfectly attached to his sweet head while he slept. I pulled it off.

The bride

The doctor

Gianna is (suddenly) enjoying story time before bed.  After a bath, we all pile into our bed with books.  She immediately lays her head on a pillow, drinks her "ba-ba" and listens to the story. It is such a nice, recent change in her.  I can't remember when Bode started really enjoying books. I just remember that I read with him from day one, and he always seemed to enjoy it.  I don't ever remember him being uninterested in books, or completely flat-out refusing to look at a book (like the Mia Gia has). I just remember him sitting with me and studying everything with those big blue eyes. But maybe I am forgetting. Maybe it is a development, age-appropriate thing.

The doctor and lovebug enjoying story time.

Sunday was spent unpacking my hospital bag, cleaning and enjoying family time. My method of dealing with the hospital bag that I loathe: I dumped it upside down, everything fell out on the floor and then I quickly sorted it into the dry cleaning pile or (literally) threw it into my closet (my closet is another post all to itself). We also packed RWF's suitcase for his trip.  I stuck some Valentine treats into his suitcase when he wasn't looking. Then we all played outside together.  It was super windy and cold, so we didn't last long.  I made a delicious "enchilada lasagna" for dinner. This was a new recipe, and I  used it because of the ingredients I had on hand. Bode helped me prep everything and then put it all together. After we put the "lasagna" in the oven, he decided that his green bowl would make a great hat.  

Disclaimer: no food was put into this bowl after he put it on his head!

Bode was beyond tired by Sunday afternoon, challenging us on everything and crying easily over much.  I think he was exhausted by preschool, and then ski lessons on Sunday just wiped him out.  He was in bed by 6:30 on Sunday.  We didn't hear a peep from him until 7:30 the next morning.

Do you see the heart shadow on the wall?  Do you see the beautiful, round, stripey baby belly?

And that was our weekend.  Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I have mixed emotions.  The "heart" part of Valentine's makes me wince and think about my mother.  And yet, my mom loved celebrating holidays.  She was a big kid, in that she loved decorating for, and celebrating, all holidays. I got really sad checking the mail this past week. I know that my mom would have sent us all Valentines, a lot of chocolate for me, and something special for Bode and Gianna. I want to celebrate because I know that is what she would want me to do. Ever since Bode was a baby, I have told RWF that we will celebrate holidays. This is because I have great memories of holidays, even every day occasions, being made special by my mom. I want to do the same for our babies. Celebrating holidays makes a few days out of the month more fun. Why not?!! Life is hard. Why not enjoy the little things when you can.  I have some Valentine surprises for the babies.  I also plan to make cupcakes or sugar cookies with Bode Wm., my little sweetheart/sous-chef, tomorrow. 

xo

Worth the price of tuition

Big preschooler's second day

Today was Bode's second day of preschool.  When we got there, he immediately ran off to the playground equipment. I "lost" him in a wooden fort.  I kept asking him to come out and put on his "suit" but he wouldn't budge. Luckily, he was well layered.  It was 21 degrees.  His teacher took the snowsuit and mittens from me and promised to get his suit on him at the first opportunity. "Maybe when he goes to the slide," she suggested.

Gianna thinks she goes to this school, too.

Gianna and I spent two hours running to the mall for a return, and to the grocery store. I was exhausted by 10:45!  But we drove on to Bode's preschool and then waited by the front door for him.  The first child came out and there was a collective, "awwwh!" because the little boy was clutching a paper heart that he had made.  One mother excitedly whispered, "They made something!"  

I have to admit that I got completely teary-eyed thinking about Bode and his first real piece of school artwork.  It did not disappoint.  He walked out, led by his teacher, his eyes never leaving his artwork. The teacher led him over to me, and  I grabbed him in a big hug. Bode said, "Rook at dis, rook at dis heart, mommy!"  

I think the white paper heart with his handprints on it completely took the sting out of tuition.  I'm sure RWF would not agree. But for me, a big "AWWWH!"  and so worth it.

Baby doll

I am so in love with Gianna's hands right now. I love the chunky, chubby little arms and hands of babies and toddlers. But Gianna's hands are not chubby. They are so delicate and fine.

Enjoying the fresh air after a nap

Weekend plans:  big date night tonight! I am so excited. RWF and I have not had a date in ????....a long time.  I have been scouring the internet looking at restaurant reviews and menus. I love good food! And it will be lovely to have some quiet time with Mr. RWF.  We have reservations at two different restaurants, because right now, I can not decide which one I'd rather eat at. I have two dresses laid out on my bed. I have no idea if they fit, or what I will wear if they don't! Other plans are not so exciting. In fact, I am dreading them. I need to unpack my suitcase from the hospital. The suitcase has just been sitting in the corner of our bedroom like a bag of garbage. I do not want to do this. I am absolutely dreading "revisiting" the clothes I wore in the hospital. I'd rather just torch the whole bag and not think about it.  But I think maybe my pearls and some good boots are in there.  I also need to clean the house, which has been neglected since my return from Dallas. Last night, I ate some cookies while three cookie sheets of veggies roasted in the oven. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) I am the only one in the family that loves roasted vegetables. So I should probably cook something this weekend so we can all eat. Hopefully the rest of the weekend will be relaxing and quiet. I love doing "nothing" with my family. 

xo

Preschooler

Bode woke up this morning with me speaking in a sing-songy voice about getting ready for school.  He ate breakfast (scrambled eggs, sausage (this boy loves sausage!) and blueberries) in his pjs.  I didn't want him to get his first-day-of-school-outfit dirty. 

He did not like me taking his photo. Who would so early in the morning?!  I couldn't resist.

I dressed him and then ran around like a chicken trying to remember things to bring (his outdoor clothes, snow boots, etc.).  I was a nervous wreck, feeling sick to my stomach, fighting "I don't know if I can do this" thoughts and all-out tears, while trying to remain happy and positive for Bode. I don't think I pulled it off. But he seemed to be just fine.

Official first-day-of-preschool outfit: white oxford shirt, navy/red striped sweater, navy cords, sneakers

We have never coached or explained school to Bode. It has just been a vague idea, a question, "Would you like to go to school?"  We have said that it is a place where he can play and make friends. I was suddenly worried that Bode would think that "school" was a free-for-all where he'd walk in and shout, "HEY!" and everyone would flock to him with all their cars in tow. So on the drive to the preschool, I tried to casually explain that he would have to listen to the teacher because she is "like a Mommy, and you have to do what she says while you are in school." At one point, Bode said that Gianna was going to school, too.  And I had a brief flash of worry.  When I explained that "just Bode" was going, he didn't say anything.  I went on about how Bode is "big" and Gianna is still too "little" for school, so "Bode will go first, make friends and have fun. And then Gianna can go to school when she is big like Bode." 

We got to the preschool and he was happy, tripping up the walk while checking out the playground equipment. I made him pose outside the door and he would only give me these cheesy, closed-eyes exaggerated smiles.  Thanks for helping out with the memories, Bode! And thanks, Gianna, for standing directly in your brother's limelight!

We walked in and the teacher's aide was there helping two little girls with their outside gear. Then the actual preschool teacher came out and we exchanged a few words. The teacher's aide explained that she would help Bode with his outdoor gear because they would play outside.  I immediately started putting Bode's gear on him myself. Then we walked outside together. The teacher's aide took Bode's hand and walked him over to the playground, explaining things to him. Then she winked at me and waved me on, mouthing, "He'll be fine!"

Bode outside his preschool with the teacher's aide. It is 20 degrees.

And that was that.  It happened so quickly. It was a very surreal, quick event for me. We were ushered out of the gate, and the next thing I knew, I was standing by my car, holding Gianna.  I craned my neck to catch a glimpse of Bode. No luck.  I considered sitting in my car for the whole two hours. Believe me, if I did not have Gianna with me, it would have been something I could have easily done. 

Instead, I ran an errand downtown. And then, since we already had a perfect parking space in what is the most crowded place for parking around here, I decided we might as well stay put. Since it was so early, we didn't have many options. So I went to Starbucks.  Gianna enjoyed eating a slice of banana bread by herself!  Bode usually holds the banana bread, so she usually has to wait for Bode to hand over crumbs (after I plead with him to "please share with Gianna!").  She was all smiles in Starbucks, scarfing up the banana bread while sharing the banquet seat with me. I enjoyed her smiles and laughs, because I was still feeling a little unmoored. I missed my other anchor, Bode! I prayed that he was having fun.  I just kept repeating, "have fun, have fun" in my head and wishing that all was going good for him.

We stayed in Starbucks until it was time to pick up Bode. I did run by Dunkin' Donuts to get him a special after-first-day-of-school treat (he loves their sausage egg & cheese croissant!).  When we got to the preschool, there were a few moms standing around outside. I was confused. Why was everyone just casually standing around chatting it up? Don't you know that it's time to pick up our babies?  I reached for the door, and it was locked. I peered into the window and saw the two teachers amidst a crowd of little ones with coats and hats galore on the benches. I looked back at the women talking in a circle. One lady explained, "Oh, we usually wait out here for them. They have to bundle them up one-by-one, so it takes some time."  Oh, yeah?  Well I don't like that.  Especially not after waiting impatiently for his first day of preschool to come to an end!  But I waited. And waited. And waited.  Gianna played on the playground, fell off a swing, and cried. I impatiently stomped over to her and said, "We have to wait by the door for Bode!" (read: sorry about the possible concussion, but I want to see your brother!)  I wanted to be right there when Bode came out, so that there was no question that I was waiting for him. Plus, I was just so anxious to see him!

Of course he was the last one out the door. I'm sure this was choreographed so that the teacher and teacher's aide could speak to me alone about Bode's first day.  When he walked out (holding the teacher's aide's hand), I immediately rushed him, gave him a big hug and kiss.  The teacher's aide said that he did great.  Then she gave him a hug. The teacher said, "He fell right in. Really, it was like he's been with us the whole year. There were a couple of times when he wasn't sure about following along, but then, he would. He was perfect."  

He looked absolutely exhausted. And he was. We went home, ate the snack ("thank you, mommy, thank you for my special surprise") and started to read. But he was so tired that I didn't even finish a book. I just walked him straight up to his room. He was zonked!

Most importantly, Bode enjoyed his first day. He said that he likes school and wants to go again. 

Perfect.

xo

Tomorrow: Preschool

Bode's first art class. He is 18 months.

It happened quickly. It had to. If you give me an inch, I will take a mile.  And with the subject of Bode starting preschool, it could have easily dragged into his 4th or 5th year.  Easily.

A couple of weeks ago, we had toured, and liked a school. The admissions director had met all of us, and the preschool teacher had observed Bode. I had spoken with the preschool teacher a couple of times, asking various questions, and I liked her. I liked her responses and I liked her approach to kids, to Bode. So RWF and I had officially decided on a school.  We received Bode's acceptance letter on Monday (yes! an acceptance letter into a preschool!).  We also received a mountain of paperwork to fill out - emergency card, health record, allergy info, etc., along with the contract.  I started filling it out Tuesday night, begrudgingly.  I stalled on some of the stuff that required me to actually think, or look something up (insurance info, date of last dental check-up, etc.).  Tuesday night, I mentioned to RWF that I had started on the paperwork because I knew he was wondering where I was in the process.  He casually asked if Bode might start school on Thursday (a date we had tossed around with the admissions director).  "I don't know," was my vague, guarded reply.

This afternoon I had an unexpected phone call from the admissions director.  "I was wondering if we were going to see Bode in class tomorrow?" she chirped. Her question actually ended  more in exclamation, or a statement, and was not actually a question. Really, she does not chirp.  She has a very calm, controlled, almost stern, speaking voice - perfect for an admissions director of a school.  She is very nice, but I do have a hard time addressing her by her first name, and not by "Mrs. M-" But this may be my upbringing as well. As a child, I was never allowed to address an adult by his or her first name. As an adult today, I still  have a hard time not referring to a lot of adults, peers, that I meet as, "Mrs. -" or "Mr. -" So her question, or statement, surprised me. 

I was sorry that I answered my phone. 

I was caught off guard with her question. Would Bode be attending school tomorrow?  Would he? I wondered.  And then I had a flash of possessiveness, and wanted to demand, "Did RWF put you up to this?!!"  Because I know all too well how RWF is more than ready for Bode to attend school, so much so that he has even joked that he will send a Town Car to pick Bode up and take him there if I do not do so myself.  And at that moment, I could see RWF taking a break from a meeting and sneaking a call to Mrs. M- and asking her to please, press her a little. just give her a call and remind her of what we discussed about Bode starting Thursday...

I sighed. I looked at Bode lying on the floor, surrounded by his cars.  I thought about how much he needs to hang out with friends his own age, to figure things out on his own, how he needs more than his cars to keep him entertained throughout the day, how he needs more than...me. So I agreed that Bode would in fact attend school tomorrow.  And then my heart folded in on itself and I started to cry.  I watched Bode closely for the rest of the afternoon. I would rush up to him and squeeze him really hard in a big hug.  I suggested that we make cookies.  We spent an hour making some cookie bars and then eating the topping off them before they had even cooled.

I thought about all the things that I wanted to do with him, and how there is no more time. I am out of time. I want to wail, "I have lost my mother and my son!" And really, at that moment, that is what it felt like. First, my mom. It is too late for "Mom, do you want to go shopping? How about if we go to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch?"  And now, Bode. It is too late for "Bode, do you want to go to the park?"  How about if we watch the Cars movie again?"  I am out of time. Two huge hits.

I know. I know that I am being dramatic.  But I do feel like I am losing my happy little guy.  Just think: he has been with me, and me alone, almost every day of his little life, save for 2 days when I was in the hospital for Gianna's birth, and 4 days when I was in the hospital watching my mother slowly die.

Three years of having Bode all to myself.  And now, everything changes.

And things will change.

RWF counseled me some this afternoon, over the phone, while he was in between meetings at work. I balked at everything that he said. He reminded me that Bode goes to ski lessons every weekend that last just as long as preschool (Yes, I know, I thought, but you are with him.).  He reminded me how most of my mom friends in California have already been doing this for a couple of years (Yes, I know, I thought, but I am not like them. I love my son more than anything, and do not want to- or have to-  hand him over to some stranger for safe-keeping and some wild kids for bad influences while I get my nails done or work-out. He is like my right arm. I need him with mememememe.).  He reminded me that this is just two hours, two days a week (Yes, I know, I thought, but I will not be with him.).  

I worry about all the things that Bode can not do by himself. Things that he might have to do on his own in preschool.  He does not know how to undo his jacket, or take off his shoes, without assistance.  I know that the teacher won't let him sit, sweating his body weight out, in a hat, jacket and snow boots for two hours. But I do worry about how long it will be before the teacher notices his need to be freed from outdoor gear. Bode is still potty training. I worry that the teacher is going to quickly resent Bode's need for assistance in the bathroom. Bode doesn't drink from a cup or cut food himself. Bode doesn't do this...Bode doesn't do that...I can think of a million situations where he might need me.  I know he will not be alone.  But I do worry about him being 'stuck' while he waits for the teacher's attention, or worse, gets into a precarious situation simply because I am not there watching out for him.   

And yes, a lot of this (all of this?) is about memememe.  I am missing out the most. And I do understand that this is for Bode. That this is what Bode needs and deserves.  And that is why I agreed that Bode will start preschool tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

xo

Maybe a reader after all

This is a picture of what might be described as my perfect day.  For Gianna, it was an activity that lasted about 20 minutes. Me, I could do it all day, all week, all month and be perfectly happy.  A warm, sunny spot and a good book to read, uninterrupted = perfect.

In Daddy's office, reading this morning.

Gianna's hair = bird's nest

Bode, please show Gianna what a fun adventure reading can be!

I adore her messy hair. I especially love how the messiness is highlighted in the sunlight.

Happy Birthday to my dear friend Kristi! Thank you for being such a blessing to me, through the years and across the miles, still. I am so grateful that I have you for a friend that I can confide in, laugh with, share my hopes, hatch cloth diapering plans and discuss (boring) dreams! I hope that your day is perfect...filled with sunshine, love, LUKE (!) and maybe an i Fratelli pizza?  

xo

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

Yesterday after naps, we woke up to find that the sun was still shining.  This is huge, because normally, there is no sun after 2 PM. It is such a drag.  As an added bonus, the temp was 52 degrees.

Gianna asks, "Dude, why are you still in those pjs?"

Bode seems to think that he is Hugh Hefner. All he wants to do is lounge around the house in his Lightening McQueen pajamas.  I have the hardest time getting him dressed lately.  And truthfully, I don't have the energy to fight it.

At night, after baths, we pile into our bed.  I love the quiet time with pajama-clad babies, and our bed is my sanctuary right now. They love bouncing on our bed, reading stories and drinking milk before retiring to their respective beds for sleep.

THIS is what made me smile on Saturday.  Bode picked out his clothes.  The "hat" is his pajama shirt.  The overalls are a hit with Bode because he can store lots of cars in the pockets.  There are many different motifs here:  a Christmas pj shirt as a hat, a checked shirt, overalls with race cars embroidered all over, and striped socks.

These babies are the only things that keep me functioning lately. I love them (and their daddy) so much. I keep thinking about my mom. She would email me every day.  A lot of times, she would close her email with this question:  "What fun things are you and the babies going to do today?"   I feel sad.  I know that I am letting her (and them) down lately.

xo

Frozen

There is grace in denial. It is nature's way of letting in only as much as we can handle.

-Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

I dream that I am meeting mom for lunch. I can't find the restaurant. I can't find her.  I am on the phone, "I don't know where you are." I am exasperated and demanding.  "I'm at some crappy Whole Foods. Where are we meeting?" I am frustrated because there is no answer.

I dream that mom and I are going shopping.  First, I am lost trying to find her hospital. I can't remember the name of the hospital. I can't remember the location.  I drive around in a panic, risking my own life making illegal u-turns and pulling out in front of speeding cars.  Then, mom and I  are in Nordstrom's.  My mother is wearing a rumpled, faded hospital gown that hangs off her small frame like a curtain.  I act like this is completely normal.  I am not embarrassed.  She has tubes snaking out of her arms and nose.  I am bothered by the tubes, but do not let on outwardly.  "Where should we go?" I ask.  "Let's get a present for Mary." She announces. I have no idea who Mary is.  We head over to a counter where two saleswomen are costumed in Kabuki make-up, bronzed lips, and the black wigs worn by Geisha. "Excuse me, " I say, "we are looking for hostess gifts."  The saleswomen smile and direct us downstairs.  As we walk toward the escalator, mom's tubes get entwined with another man's tubes. I notice that all the tubes now have blood running through them.  I startle at the blood, but calmly untangle the two of them. We walk on.  My mom sits down on the escalator steps because she is too weak to stand.  We descend.