So happy together

Wow.  It has been such a crazy couple of weeks.  And I think it's only going to get crazier through the Fall. Speaking of Fall, its official date is just around the corner (23rd)!  Yay, Fall!

Today I went to the photographer's to proof and select the photos. Those photographers, what creative marketers! Actually, what an easy market to sell: photos of loved ones. But this photographer had a really slick set-up. So I walked into the office, and they had a huge photo of Bode and Gianna projected up on the wall.  I gasped.  The receptionist sat me down on a couch facing the projection and explained that we were going to view a slide show. After the slide show, we'd go through the photos again, more slowly, so that I could edit down to what photos I wanted.  Has anyone done this?  It was so much fun.

So the slide show starts and so does the music.  I swear, I heard the first note/key/whatever of this song and my eyes welled. I turned to her and warbled, "No. Do not do this. Seriously. I can't. I will be bawling and won't be able to see any of the photos if you play this song."  It was Iz's "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," one of my absolute favorites of all time.  His voice is so beautiful and haunting and makes me sad, in a happy way.  And to hear it with photos of my babies projected before me? I was about to lose it emotionally.

So she tried another song.  "Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler.  Seriously?  What is going on here?  That is my dad's song.  Please don't do this to me.  Once again, I told her to not play it. I explained that no music at all would be better for me, because I'm in a really emotional space right now.  (she was probably thinking, "freeeeak!")  She said, "Okay. I will play something happy for you." And I repeated, "No music is better, really."  Instead, she played this song.  And it put a happy vibe on the show.  But I didn't really hear it, because I was so focused on the images of Bode and Gianna before me. (But the song played in my head all day. Bob and I sang it aloud to the babies while they splashed in the bathtub tonight.)

First, I just sat and enjoyed the slide show. The second round, I was much more critical. As I feared, the photos were not that great of them together. One shot would be good of one of them, and the other one would be looking weird.  I  edited very quickly. I stood up and as the images scrolled, almost barked out the orders, "No. No. No. Yes. Maybe. No. No. Yes."  I actually felt proud when she said, "I like you, Heather. You know what you want."  I wish that Bob had been there to hear her say that. He would never believe it. I am usually so indecisive, and (continually) second-guess any decision that I make.

Yesterday, after days and days of deliberation, I made the decision to not join Bob in Berlin.  It was a very hard decision to make.  My reasons for not going are many.  One of the reasons is that I think Bob should be focused on work while in Berlin. I'm afraid that if I am there with the babies, he will be concerned/distracted by my and the babies' issues while we are acclimating to Berlin. Another reason is, I feel selfish taking the babies to Berlin. I feel like they should stay home while we still have this home available. I feel like their routines should stay routine. I feel like I should keep things as simple as possible for them. Soon things are going to be different. Soon we will be traveling. Soon we will be finding a new "home" and establishing new routines.

But after I made the decision to stay here, I didn't feel any better about having finally made a decision. In fact, I felt incredibly sad. Shouldn't we all be together? I will miss Bob.  The babies will be without their daddy. This will be hard on all of us. Did I make the right decision? I don't know.
xo