36 weeks and thoughts on siblings

Anxiety over a new baby? Gianna at breakfast this morning.

I am 36 weeks.  I am feeling a little nervous, a little ready, and a whole lot tired!  I think I have done everything I can to "prepare" - as much as one can "prepare" when a family of 5 (P is definitely a beloved family member) is about to welcome another baby into the mix.  

This past week was unsettling, in that so many people would stop me and ask, with slight alarm in their voices, "When are you due?" At first, I thought it was my imagination. But then, it kept happening while my sisters were here, too, and they confirmed that people were definitely asking with some  concern in their voices.

When I was pregnant with Gianna, I was so worried about Bode. I felt sick and emotional that I was  ruining his little life. I felt like I had betrayed him. I would cry at night after I put him to bed. The day before Gianna was born, I took Bode to the park.  I sat with him, and watched him play, and all the while I kept thinking about how this was the last day that his life would be this way. The next day, his life would never be the same.  It sounds pretty dramatic, but I was very, very emotional about what I was about to "do" to Bode. And that is how it felt to me: I was doing something to him.  I knew that there would be positives (much later) but mostly, I was sick at the idea that my sweet baby boy was about to be sharing me, RWF, our home, our life...everything, with this new baby girl. And he had no idea, had given no consent, and had no say in the matter at all.

This time, Bode is almost 2 years older than he was when Gianna was born.  Bode is ready to meet his new brother. Bode will start school a week before the baby arrives, and I hope that he finds school a welcome retreat, and not an interruption to his new life with "Nichoras."

And now, it is Gianna that I worry about. It is Gianna I feel like I am deceiving, even though I've done what I can to "prepare" her (reading stories, talking about the baby in my belly).  She is a little older than Bode was when she was born, but not much. When I ask, "Who is going to be a big sister?" Gianna happily responds, "Me!"  But other than that automatic response, she has no clue about how much her world is about to be rocked. She is only 2, after all. Poor baby. But at least she will always be our little girl.

This is what I wanted: a big family.  I grew up in a large family and I love it. My thinking is, the more siblings, the better. But I had no idea what life had in store. And I didn't know the anxiety that I would experience every time I added to our brood. I didn't know about all the emotions that having children brings.  Everything increases. And it is all good. I am blessed.

Everything will be great. I have two wonderful children right now. And they will welcome this new sibling. And in time, I hope, they will all be super close.  If Bode and Gianna are any indication, then I have nothing to worry about.

Happy Wednesday.

xo