30 weeks

Yesterday I went to my OB for some tests.  During our discussion, the OB asked me if I wanted to set the date of the C-section. My thought process went  rapid-fire,  something like this: "WHOAH. NOW HOLD ON JUST A SEC. YOU MEAN THIS BABY IS COMING OUT?"

And then I thought more slowly: "Oh. Em. Gee. I'm 30 weeks. This means that the baby is due to come out in, oh,  about 8-9 weeks. Ho.lee.Cow."

I deferred. I said that I needed to look at the calendar and discuss with my husband.  Yes, my husband. I can not make these decisions by myself. The baby's birthdate? I can't be the sole decision maker on that. I need time to think and plan. What is the "best" date? Must discuss with spouse. I'll put this on our "to do" list. Stall, stall, stall....

I really thought I'd be pregnant forever? I love being pregnant, so can't I just stay this way?  No?  Really? The little guy is going to come out?  And be with us, to like, live and grow? Really?

Okay.

I am anxious (oh so anxious!) to meet him.  But there's the other part. The letting go of this pregnancy, the fact that I won't be able to "protect" him anymore once he is out on his own, the fact that we will no longer be "together" and connected (euww! sorry if that grosses you out, but I do feel that way). 

And then there's other, more practical parts.  Like this:

Deciding on a whim that it is just too hot to cook. Deciding on a whim that I'm just too tired to cook. So  load the two (2! as in dos! as in 1 for each hand) able-bodied babies into the car and off to Chipotle we a-go-go.  We hold hands and walk (all of us!) together to our destination of choice. Easy peasy.  What about random trips to the market for a gallon of milk? What about spontaneous trips to the ice cream store for a celebratory cone?   What about all the things that I never thought I could do with two kids but now do them without so much as a jingle of the keys and a coax to "hop in?"

AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!

I am really not thinking about the change from two-to-three kids so much.  It  really hasn't been on my mind.  I think part of it is denial. I think part of it is, "It is what it is" mentality.  And a part of it is, "I think I'll be shopping at midnight just so I won't have to deal with the trio."

And no snarky thoughts or comments, please.  We are all excited for this new little guy to join our family.  I am thrilled to have all my babies.  Today at the farmer's market, we were having a breakfast picnic on the grass.  Two little boys were playing ball a few yards away.  I loved watching them. They were the same age difference our little boys will be in a few years.  And it was fun to watch the two of them, the older with a baseball bat, the younger pitching the ball.  Bode joined in. And I thought, "Don't worry. You'll have your own little brother playing with you soon."

Yesterday when I got home from the OB, I was oh-so-tired.  I didn't sleep well the night before. I didn't  eat.  So when I got home, I was toast.  I ate toast, and I was toast.  And then I fell on my bed and told Bode, "I'm sorry. But mommy is sooo tired right now that she has to lay down for a few minutes."  He hadn't seen me all day. I felt so guilty to greet him with nothing but a hug and my exhaustion. But you know what he said? He said, "Okay, Mommy.  This turtle will keep you company." And then he tucked this turtle into the crook of my arm before he ran off to play with his cars. (swooooooon. I love that boy so much.)

Happy weekend.
xo